As the dust settles on the US election my feeling is not jubilation. I’m not happy that 70 million people still find Trump an acceptable leader. I’m not happy that a man whose flagrant disregard for the safety of his fellow Americans has cost hundreds of thousands their lives. I’m not happy that in death, the Trump campaign still has the audacity to attack the freedoms that millions have died for. I knew it was coming, but it still hurts. It hurts enormously.
I broke down and cried when Biden won. A cocktail of difficult emotions coming to a head following weeks of anxiety, depression, anger, shame, hatred… I’ve felt them all this year but not as acutely as I had in the 2 weeks preceding. In the end it was too much.
The question I have is where do we go from here? Biden is a gift during a year that’s been desperately short of them, but it doesn’t detract from my feeling that we are nowhere near where we need to be. We cannot continue on our path of wilful ignorance. We cannot continue to turn our attention away from one another or from the marginalised of society. We cannot continue to let our fear get in the way of doing what is right. We must bring greater integrity back into our lives. We must live for our values, not our pride.
We must also start finding common ground and working together. For me that common ground has to be the freedoms for which democracy stands. However we have a massive problem if we can’t agree on what reality is anymore. Perhaps this is the larger consequence of our vote 4 years ago? Where we have become so desensitised to lying that we are willing to accept it as fact. Where we are willing to believe whatever we want because it’s easier or because it’s more interesting – because the “facts” exist to support any cockamamy conspiracy theory out there.
We’re clearly addicted to the drama. It feels like we want life to one big conspiracy. In the process we have isolated ourselves from our own reality. In much the same way we refuse to accept the parts of ourselves we dislike, we have pushed the other side away. But in doing so we have only given them strength. We have only deepened the divide. Eventually we will reach a breaking point where we can no longer avoid the other side – those parts of ourselves. In that moment we have choice. We can let pride seal our hearts or let shame break down our egos.
As I write this tears are rolling down my face. I look at my 2-year-old boy and my wife who is pregnant with our second. I think about what I want my children to understand as they grow up. I desperately want them to understand that decency and character matter. That the truth and honesty matter. That morals and integrity matter. That responsibility matters. But I also want them to understand just how much forgiveness matters. This is where I have been failing.
The truth is I find it difficult to forgive those who still support Trump. And I get it. I understand why it’s the right thing to do. However it’s far easier to say the right thing than to do it. And let’s be honest, would you be able to forgive those who voted for Trump had he actually won? If you’re a Trump supporter do you forgive me? It’s much easier to forgive someone when you don’t have to sacrifice your pride. I recall that I wasn’t in a very forgiving mood four years ago. Maybe this is why so many of us refuse to accept the outcome? Not because we can’t accept reality but because we can’t forgive? It occurs to me that pride holds way more value in our society than honesty. It also occurs to me that I must swallow mine if I’m to forgive those I disagree. So let me do it. Let me say how truly sorry I am. Let me admit my shame publicly.
4 years ago I didn’t vote. I’m not talking about the US election. I’m not American FYI. I’m talking about the Brexit referendum in the UK. I didn’t pay attention living here in Hong Kong. I naively assumed we would never leave the EU. I assumed I didn’t need to go through the trouble of voting. Then I watched in disbelief as we voted to leave. And then, as if to teach me the cruelest kind of lesson, I watched on as the rest of the world seemed to follow. A series of backwards political movements that followed me home, culminating in the loss of autonomy here in Hong Kong. A loss that has meant a genuine fear of what I can say publicly. A fear that now has me writing under a pseudonym. And now I watch on in horror as the very legitimacy of voting comes under attack in what might be one of most treacherous acts from a sitting president in the history of American democracy. All for the sake of fucking pride.
And it is pride that Trump has successfully used against me. He understood that pride can be used to stoke the fires of rage and hatred in my heart. In all our hearts. And he has. He’s made me angrier than any other politician, or indeed few other people, ever have. I believe this is the main reason I cried when I found out Biden won. There was a part of me that needed to be broken down. There still is. That needs to mourn the passing of a previous self. The part that thinks it’s somehow better than others. The part of me who is unwilling to forgive those for the same mistakes I’ve made in my own past. For being human. So for my arrogance, for my wilful ignorance, for ignoring the other side, for avoiding the difficult conversations and for my pride, I am deeply sorry. I will do better.
Let me finish by telling you about the shame I’ve felt since that period in my life 4 years ago. What I’ve learnt from it and why I’m owning it now. Shame is demonised in our society yet pride is glorified. I call bullshit. Pride is a means of avoiding shame. Often the very shame we need to feel in order to change – to become a better person. Shame isn’t the bugbear that everyone makes out. Of course you shouldn’t cling to it. You need to forgive yourself, but I believe you do need to feel it. You need to process it. Shame allowed me to really see the error of my ways. It allowed me to see why I must never take my freedom for granted ever again. Why I must protect it for my children. Shame has undeniably made me a better person.
Of course I understand that pride has its place and that shame for the wrong reasons is very damaging, but if you asked me to swallow one and accept the other – if pride came in form of a red pill and shame in the form of a blue one (you’ll have to excuse my choice of colours) – I would swallow my pride. I would choose to feel shame. It’s by far the harder choice. It’s not hopeful or inspiring like pride is. It’s difficult. It’s brutal in fact, but it hurts because it’s meant to. That’s what makes you change. That’s what makes you a better person. Right now, if you care about freedom and democracy, at the very least, I believe you need to swallow the red pill as well.
Thanks for reading everyone. I might have given you a bit too much to chew on there! I also appreciate many of you might have had your fill of politics recently… Still I’m curious to get your thoughts on the relationship between pride and shame. Do we use pride as a shield – as a way of avoiding shame? As a means to avoid reality even? What do you think? As always I welcome ALL opinions and thoughts. And please don’t worry – all is forgiven.
You can see more of AP2’s writing here at: https://pointlessoverthinking.com
10 thoughts on “The Shameless Nature Of Pride”
Oh pilot, you seem so messed up inside man! Why do you torture yourself this way? By self-analyzing these emotional internal conflicts your only giving them life! Making them an issue where no issue lay before! But I digress. You are who you are Ace and although I totally accept that I do sometimes wish your emotions didn’t run so high. Even just for your own peace of mind.
As for Mr. Trump? And to his loony nonacceptance reality? Perhaps his term of presidency, though tumultuous as it seemed, may in the end be a Godsend. My hope, is that his presidency will be used as an example. And a higher standard going forward will be implemented, perhaps even lawfully enforced concerning propaganda, misinformation and claims without factual evidence.
A shift back towards not only provable scientific evidence but against all non-factual claims is badly needed and needed now! And not just in politics because this trend has run amok everywhere! Maybe (fingers crossed) he may in the end, be the catalyst for this very needed change. See you Ace! Keep your nose up! Be aware and be safe!
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Hey Wayne. I write when I’m emotional. I tend to think it gives my words more meaning. More strength. I definitely overthink. It’s an issue. Probably made worse this year by endless periods of quarantine and sitting alone in hotel rooms for days at a time. It stems from years of bullying in my adolescence. I see a therapist though and have made peace with the fact that I‘m an emotional being. On the plus side when I’m happy I’m very happy so my emotions work both ways. That aside I simply want what’s best for my kids. I try to be the best I can for them. I think demonstrating brutal honesty has more pros than cons which is why I do it. I figure the world needs more honesty nowadays.
Re Trump. The sooner we can move on the better. I hope you’re right. I hope he is the brutal wakeup call we need to really change for the better. It’s a tough one though. Protecting the freedom of speech means protecting the right to lie your ass off. But to protect that person from the consequences of that lie? To not protect others from those consequences? The mainstream media outlets and social media giants need to take far more responsibility for what they allow to be shared. At the very least placing a warning label on what it is obviously bullshit. You can smoke your cigarettes but it doesn’t mean everyone else should have to inhale the fumes as well.
Thanks Wayne. I do appreciate your concern. Wishing you well buddy. Take it easy 🙏
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Of turbulent emotions, I know too well… I’m also considered by many friends and family alike a very sensitive and emotional man. Sometimes can be a bit too much but great are the times when they point towards the good side. I mostly see mine as blessings.
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AP, I agree with everything you say. I do have hope for a better future. Many Republicans have sided with Biden. Election officials have put their careers at risk and in some cases lost their jobs, by upholding election laws. Courts have thrown out many of Trump’s frivolous election lawsuits. Trump’s attempt to destroy the Federal Reserve by hiring an unqualified political ally has failed. His attempt to suddenly bring home all troops from Afghanistan has been scaled back. His threats to withhold vaccine from the state of NY over a dispute with the Governor will not succeed. The military will not serve as his personal police…his days as commander in chief are numbered.
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Thank you Cheryl. It’s nice to hear the good news for a change instead of the constant doom and gloom depicted by most mainstream media. It’s good to hear that many Republicans have sided with Biden as well. I think they must if they are to repair the damage Trump has done to the party. I’m looking forward to a much brighter 2021 (my second boy is also due in January so will have a few things to celebrate!) Wishing you the very best 🙏
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I do think we use our pride to hide from our shame. Why do we cower and hide from shame behind our prides remains a mystery to me. We’re determined to do anything to rid ourselves of shame. We lie and cover up our heinous acts to protect our pride. But strong is the person who faces shame head on with courage.
I had given up on elections in my country and vowed to not bother waking up early to go and vote. But after my evening meditation one day I remembered words of wisdom from Nobel Laureate Prof. Wangari Maathai.
She was telling a story of a humming bird struggling to put out a great forest fire by flying to the river and taking in water through her beak to spray onto the fire. Animals like the elephant, buffalo’s and giraffe, all running away to save their lives.
One animal stopped and asked the little humming bird why she is fighting the fire while it’s too big for her, that she will die trying to put it out, and she said rushing for another beak-ful of water “I am doing what I can to the best of my ability”…
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Nice story Francis. Thanks for sharing. If only all of us adopted that attitude! 🙏