How To Make Love To Hate

How To Make Love To Hate

AP2

“We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love.”

– MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I’ve been thinking about hate recently. Not only because we’ve see so much of it this past year, but because I’ve felt some as well. Truthfully it got to a point preceding the US election where it broke me a little. 

I thought I was clear about where those feelings came from. What beliefs were driving my anger. But now that the waters have calmed, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that something else has been going on. Some deep-seated fear beneath the surface. 

So I thought I’d give the topic of hate a more thorough examination. In an attempt to understand its purpose. And from that understanding hopefully find in my heart to show it some compassion. So we can all learn how to make love to our hate.

First let me get you in the mood with some foreplay in the form of gentle stroking questions!

Foreplay

One thing that’s touted around the blogosphere as the panacea to all of our problems is universal compassion. It got me thinking (and laughing) that maybe I should write a post entitled, Why Universal Compassion Must Include Donald Trump. 

If I can get through that without reneging on the premise well, ladies and gentlemen, that would be something. Because honestly I can’t wrap my head around the idea. 

Are somethings not meant to be hated? The emotion exists for a reason right? The rational part of my brain figures it must have evolved to serve some kind of necessary function. At least, in very rare circumstances.

Let’s, for example, circle back several hundred years and place ourselves in a small rural English village with a plague-ridden wife and four malnourished children.

Now imagine a hoard of angry, horny, Vikings start pillaging the village by chopping your neighbour’s head off (you hated him anyway). 

Do you, a) abandon your family by running away, b) resign yourself to death and hold your family one last time, c) try to negotiate a civilised peace treaty (by agreeing to share your neighbour’s stuff) or, d) pick up your sword and fight?

Now let’s pretend your name is Uhtred, son of Uhtred, and that you pick up your sword. (I must watch less television.) What emotion do think would serve you best in a battle to the death?

Maybe I’ve inadvertently hit the G spot here?

When it comes to protecting yourself against someone (or something) who is attacking you, or those you love, perhaps hatred is meant to act as a last line of defence? Perhaps what drives our hate – at its deepest level – is a fear of death?

At this point my wife would tell me to slow down as she’s not quite there yet.

Anyway let’s get stuck into the main body (of this post) with some stuff I found on the internet.

Intercourse

After doing a bit of research into the relationship between hatred and death, I stumbled upon something that got me very excited (that wasn’t porn) called Terror Management Theory (or TMT).

TMT posits, “The inevitably of one’s death creates existential terror and anxiety that is always residing below the surface. In order to manage this terror, humans adopt cultural world-views — like religions, political ideologies, and national identities — that act as a buffer by instilling life with meaning and value. TMT predicts that when people are reminded of their own mortality, which happens with fear mongering, they will more strongly defend those who share their world-views and national or ethnic identity, and act out more aggressively towards those who do not. Hundreds of studies have confirmed this hypothesis, and some have specifically shown that triggering thoughts of death tends to shift people towards the right.”

I feel like I might have the G spot again!

If our cultural world-views are meant to act as a buffer against our own mortality, it stands to reason that a fear of death would cause us to hold onto them more tightly does it not?

What happens then, when those beliefs are challenged? Perhaps some of us might feel like our lives have been threatened? And what if people’s actual lives are threatened by something like a pandemic? Perhaps they’ll do everything they can to ensure that their beliefs survive in case they don’t? 

(If you want to learn about how TMT can be used to explain people’s different reactions to the pandemic I highly recommend giving this study a read.)

Now imagine, if you will, a facist nation invades your country forcing you to take up arms to defend it. How do you think that might affect your feelings toward your country? I’m guessing you’d concentrate on what it is you love. What it is you’re willing to defend and die for. 

Oh hello Nationalism!

Now consider how a rise in Islamophobia often follows terrorist attacks. Or how a rise in hate crimes against the Asian community follows when the former fear monger in chief dubs COVID the “Kung Flu.” Or how you binge watch all 5 seasons of The Wire and decide you can’t trust black people.

Oh hello Racism!

Of course this is a big problem. And it’s important to stress that while hate may serve to unite a country, or tribe, against a “common enemy”, hate always loses. Because hate begets hate. As war has proven throughout history. Unless you succeed in eliminating your perceived threat, then that hatred is only going to build. What’s worse is that hate won’t be resolved by eliminating that threat if you do (which is impossible when considering an entire race of people). And then what happens? Hate looks for a new target. And if it can’t find one, it turns on itself. (Insert caracatiure of Hitler shooting himself here.) 

This is why hate always loses. Not because love always wins, but because hate ends up destroying itself. That’s something I believe Trump never understood. He cultivated just as much hatred on the other side of the fence and it came back to haunt him. That’s exactly why the answer cannot be hate in return. (And suddenly the idea of universal compassion is starting to make more sense.)

At this point my wife would tell me to get to the point. And I would tell her that the secret to great love making is patience. And then she would tell me that girth is more important the length. And then I would cry myself to sleep… 

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, let me wrap things up. I’m nearly there!

Climax

TMT also got me thinking about another stereotype. The idea that people become increasingly “set in their ways” the older they get. It occurs to me that this might have less to do with what people believe, then an inability to come to terms with their own mortality.

Not all people face death in the same manner of course. Many are happy in death. Even when suffering many remain at peace. They’re not bitter or resentful. They’re not consumed by hate. They don’t want to hurt others. 

This all begs the following question: If all our beliefs are designed to help us cope with the elephant in the room – our own mortality – and if a fear of death causes us to cling to those beliefs more tightly, then maybe that’s exactly where we need to start in order live in peace?

Now here’s my radical theory.

If hate is driven – at its deepest darkest core – by a fear of death, I believe that coming to terms with one’s mortality might be one way to resolve those feelings.

But how do you do that?

Here are a few ideas. Meditate on your own demise. Face the idea of your death head on. Talk about it. Plan your own funeral. Treat today like it’s your last because it may well be. 

The Stoics used to employ a technique called Negative Visualisation where you imagine losing what you value the most in life in order to help eradicate that fear. The idea is that it serves to lessen the emotional impact when difficult losses actually take place. The other hidden benefit is that it helps to cultivate a greater amount of gratitude for those things or people in our lives today.

Here’s one more idea: Cultivate as much meaning in your life as you possible can. Studies show that those who feel they are living a meaningful life are, paradoxically, less afraid of death. Other studies show that those who have lower self esteem (who believe their life isn’t meaningful) are more likely to harbour feelings of resentment. That means coming to terms with past traumas as well (something I mean to explore in my next post.)

So if you want to overcome your fear of death and let go of hate, volunteer to do some charity work. (Go figure!)

Anyway, ladies and gentleman, that’s it. My answer for how to make love to hate, is to fall in love with death. Maybe if we do, we’ll realise that life is too short to live for anything but love.

Further Reading/Sources: 

***

You can see find more of AP2’s nonsensical world views and poor self-help advice here at: https://pointlessoverthinking.com

21 thoughts on “How To Make Love To Hate”

    • Yes. I believe the pandemic has amplified those deep seated fears and that has driven a huge amount of hate (and also love in some) over the last year or so. Thanks Ashley 🙏

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      • Engagingly written, AP2, but I remain unconvinced. Greed, self-interest, or fear of losing one’s preferred status quo, sure, but fear of death, I still don’t buy it. Is that why so many Americans refuse to wear masks or socially distance – because they’re afraid of death? I don’t think so. But you and I have gone down this road before! 😊

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      • Greed, self interest and fear of losing ones status are about survival. At its core, broadly speaking – all of our emotions are driven by two things. Survival – enter fear. And Reproduction – enter love. People’s beliefs have strengthened in response to the pandemic because it’s a reminder of what they’re ultimately afraid of – death. It’s not that they’re afraid of COVID killing them but that it’s broadcast to everyone in this age of 24/7 media consumption. That’s why many are acting out regarding what they believe however crazy those beliefs are! You should read that study I linked to. It explains it much better than I. The theory is well backed by thousands of studies. Anyway the purpose of my posts are not to be right but to make people think a little more deeply. If it’s achieved that I’m happy Jane! Thank you so much for engaging me and for the compliment. Wishing you all the best 🙏

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  • Hi AP2–another thought-provoking article; thank you for sharing it with us. I “heard” a lot of your points, especially the one about the invading Vikings who are ready to plunder “your” village. From the human perspective, I can understand that we certainly feel that we have to do something–to act. From the deeper perspective related to the question “Who Am I?” posited by Ramana Maharshi (truly–not the Jane or John Doe answer), there is ultimately no one to defend (for we have seen through the cosmic play of Lila), been unable to find a little “self” that needs defending, and realize that we are not mortal (as the masses assume) but immortal and eternal. Still–even knowing that we are not “of” the world…how to apparently “be” in it?
    Thanks again–great article.

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    • Thanks Art. That’s taking the idea of coming to terms with death to the next level! We’re so afraid because we have identified with our mind body.

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      • You’re welcome, AP2. I know it sounds odd, but to me it’s not coming to terms with death–it is that there is no death. Why? Because here–right now–this is the waking dream, which the majority of the masses assume to be “reality.” I know it sounds quite bizarre, but everything (and I mean EVERYTHING is created by the mind–and not the mind that persons believe exists in the head).
        This might help, if you’re interested. Persons assume that there is an “entity,” a self (Jane or John Doe) in the head–such a strong assumption; but science confirms that they haven’t got a clue (see: “the hard problem of consciousness”) how consciousness arises within them. It doesn’t. It’s but a reflection in mind of Universal Consciousness. Here’s something that helped “me” come to this realization. Contemplate: How do we see? We assume their is an “i” looking out from within–observing objects, persons, and a world. BUT…the eyes function by “letting in” light, which is transformed into representations only. That’s all that we see; and it is a huge assumption–one made by billions–that the world is viewed is made of so-called “matter” and exists independent of the mind. Mind and matter are one. Matter is but an interpretation. The eyesight point is what guides me to Truth–capital T every time. The body-mind is more like a camera than a photographer. All that’s needed to have experience is Awareness (Being + Knowing). Life is happening in trillionths of a second–each shot discrete unto itself.
        I highly recommend “Why Lazarus Laughed” by Wei Wu Wei if you’re interested. There’s no “body” to die in a dream. Everything is appearance only.

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  • I can’t believe I made it all the way to the bottom of your post. I almost stopped at several points, finding it hard to go on. But, I’m glad I plowed through, because it was worth it to get to the bottom line. Indeed! “Life is too short to live for anything but love.” Why didn’t you say that at the beginning? … it would have made it so much easier to plow through all the hate!

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    • Hi Jan. Thank you stopping by. It was a post that discusses the reasons for hate in an attempt to understand it. That was made clear from the start. It lead to how one might deal with such feelings. About how that deeper understanding – coming to terms with our own mortality- can be used to replace hate with love. Thank you for sharing your comments. I appreciate the feedback 🙏

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      • Yes, “the reasons for hate in an attempt to understand it… made clear from the start.” That kept me going. I do appreciate the fact that your point was to replace hate with love. Bless you! ❤

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      • Thanks Jan – I’ll work on some more lighthearted posts going forward. I just feel the difficult conversations are important to have as well. Wishing you the very best 🙏

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      • I understand – many of my posts are not so light-hearted, too. Today’s subject on forgiveness is one that can be a heavy burden for some! ❤ We need to vary our tone and our messages. True story!! ❤

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  • I must admit to not knowing what to say to this. I’m not sure it is about the fear of death. I think it is about the fear of not having enough and that began the first time someone stepped up to lead – a painful irony. However I do love your paragraph on the Stoics. It makes a lot of sense. They made a lot of sense yet here we are today. Great post and clever, as always.

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    • Thank you Barb – I appreciate your comments. I don’t mean to underplay other important contributing factors to what is undeniably a very complex emotion but at its core I struggle to see how it’s not driven by a fear of death. It’s such an extreme emotion (often bred at times of war and suffering) I feel it must be heavily rooted in survival. I think the awareness is important because if your life isn’t under threat – one really shouldn’t be living in hate. Envy, bitterness, resentment – all these things are driven by survival at their deepest level. I would argue the whole kaleidoscope of experience is driven – at its core – by our desire to survive (fear, anxiety, anger, hate) and reproduce (love, compassion, kindness, etc). That stoics negative visualisation practise is a powerful meditation. I practise it most mornings now (Have a box tissues near by!). Thanks again Barb. I think this conversation is an important one. Wishing you well 🙏

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  • Life is too short to hold grudges and hate in your heart. We’re all not going to get along with each other but best to not spend all that energy with hate!

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    • Thanks Ab – I couldn’t agree more! However I feel if we find ourselves feeling any we have a duty to understand it – to show those feelings compassion – in order to resolve them. My experience is it’s best not to fight or ignore your feelings – that’s what gives them strength! Wishing you and yours all the best 🙏

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  • Terrific article. I love the part where you say that “hate ends up destroying itself.” It’s a reminder that the haters in the world don’t realize is that their own hatred only hurts them in the long run. Thank you for posting!

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