The Elephant in the Cockpit

I’m going to stick my neck out today. I’m going to talk about something I’ve been avoiding for certain political and professional reasons for some time now. A topic that is close to my heart.

As it turns out, aircrew are extremely reluctant to talk about mental health. On the rare occasions I’ve brought it up, I’ve seen Captains visibly squirm in their seats. They will find any excuse to talk about something else.

Anything but the elephant in the cockpit.

Unfortunately, the problem isn’t simply an inability (or unwillingness) to talk about it. Aircrew are also more unlikely to get the help they need because of the stigma attached – because of what it might mean for their careers.

I recall talking to one Captain who was clearly distressed. It was evident that the last few years had taken its toll.

I asked him if he’d talked to a company doctor to get some time off. I told him I’d done so and was afforded 3 months stress leave. 

But he refused. He said that no airline would hire him if they found that on his record. He said it would be career suicide.

The hard reality is, if certain airlines get whiff that you have suffered from any kind of mental health issue in the past (regardless as to the whether that issue remains in the past) they will bring the shutters down hard. It seems only super humans will do. Preferably robots, in fact.

But here’s the thing that really gets me.

Many of these airlines appear to turn a blind eye within their own organisations. It’s as if they don’t want to know about it. As if they would rather their aircrew suffered in silence. Despite asking them, in some cases, to work under extremely demanding conditions. 

To give you a glaring example, I’m sure many of you will have read about the draconian covid measures the Hong Kong government has imposed over the past couple of years. In the story of animal farm, you can think of the aircrew as the rats. We were seen as the least equal of all the animals. Consequently our lives were placed on the frontline in government’s war to maintain zero covid.

What that has meant is hard to put into words. It’s been soul destroying. Collectively we have endured not years, but hundreds of years of quarantine. I’ve had more swabs shoved down my throat than I can count. Funnily enough one captain I flew with did. He was on PCR test number 234 and counting!

Yet, that wouldn’t have been as bad were it not for the severe punishment the government (and company) threatened if we failed to comply. The simple act of leavening our hotel room could mean 6 months in prison. We weren’t even allowed outside to get some exercise (a right, I might add, even prisoners are extended).

Needless to say these measures placed the company between a rock and an impossible place. The only way to keep the show on the road was to enact something known as closed loop patterns. This meant that crew who “signed up” would sometimes spend upwards of 8 weeks locked in a hotel room between flights. This was before doing their mandatory 2-3 weeks of quarantine.

Only then were they allowed to feel sunlight again.

What made this particular sinister was the new productivity based contract our company forced us to sign towards the end of 2020. It meant if we didn’t fly above a certain threshold each month our pay was significantly reduced. Of course, we don’t have any control over productivity. We can only fly the flights that are rostered. 

I was pregnant with my second child when I was forced onto this new contract. Part of the decision to have a second was based on the money I used to make. At any rate, spending anywhere between 5 to 10 weeks away from my family was out of the question. Thankfully we had money in the bank. We could and did take the finical hit.

But they were many who couldn’t. And what do you do when your choices are to sacrifice your own mental and physical wellbeing or provide for your family?

Of course, you sacrifice yourself.

That’s what the entire aircrew body have done to help maintain the government’s zero covid policy over the past two years. To provide for their families. To keep life going in Hong Kong.

I’m proud to say we did. We gave Hong Kong – effectively – a zero covid existence for over a year. But, eventually, the inevitable happened. A number of crew members broke their quarantine order and caught covid. On investigation it was found they had left their hotel room on a layover.

They were sacked, fined, prosecuted… Instead of simply punishing the offenders, they clamped down on whole crew body. At a time we’d desperately hoped our restrictions would ease. Not only that, we were vilified by many corners of the media. There were even reports of members of the public spitting on aircrew.

Many people have asked me why I left my job. Many people were surprised by the decision I made. Despite everything, despite all of the above, it was, without a doubt, the single hardest decision I’ve ever made. 

The job is deeply meaningful to me. I’m proud to say I’ve been part of a rich aviation heritage. To have flown for the same company my father flew for over 20 years. I’m more proud to say I flew as his first officer a number of times, including his last flight before retirement.

I desperately wanted to go the distance – to become a captain for the same airline. To come so close but turn away at the last minute is no small thing. Even after the decision was made, after months of torturing myself, I continued to have crippling doubts. I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach like I’d been shot. It was awful.

But then, a few weeks ago, those doubts were shattered.

I learned a college of mine had committed suicide. He leapt from the balcony of his high rise apartment. A young British man, aged just 31 years. I didn’t know him well – I flew with him, I think, only a handful of times – but it hit me hard.

I felt angry, sad and ashamed.

Angry that it had got to this point. That the authorities and the media so shamelessly ignored the elephant in the cockpit. But also ashamed that maybe in my own silence – in my own avoidance of the elephant over the years – I had contributed to a culture that may have factored in his death.

In the days and weeks following I couldn’t help but wonder, could that have been me?

Just before the pandemic I sought help for own my long term issues with depression. I regard it as one of the most important decisions I’ve ever made. I believe it gave my the strength to get through the last couple years – even if I didn’t get through unscathed.

But what if I hadn’t?

Of course, there are different types and severities of depression. You can’t judge it with the stroke of one brush. But depression can spiral. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts but I appreciate, at least, how the mind could get there. How it could dig a torturous hole within itself. One it finds impossible to escape from.

This is why I believe the issue of asking for and getting help is so important. Making people feel they can – without judgement or repercussion – speak up and do so. Although most airlines offer programs that allow aircrew to seek help anonymously, so long crew as believe that getting help is a career ender, the industry has a significant problem.

While Hong Kong may be an extreme example, its illustrative of how far certain airlines/governing bodies are willing to neglect their duty of care.

The truth is aviators are some of the keenest people I know. They have a passion that most people only ever dream of finding. But that passion has been highjacked. It’s been used by the industry to move the goalposts repeatedly. Because they know that pilots will do just about anything to get their hands on the controls of a jet. 

To live the so-called dream.

We often joke about living that dream having been up all night. Once upon time that was mine. But I’ve come to realise there is only so much loss of sleep –  only so much soul crushing isolation – you can put up with before you lose the ability to dream altogether. 

If you ignore the elephant for too long, eventually it will crush you. 

It’s why I left the cockpit altogether.

28 thoughts on “The Elephant in the Cockpit

  • Mental health took precedence to career suicide . . . you left the cockpit AP, and I left the financial services industry . . . best mental health/family/ career decision I’ve ever made.

    Liked by 3 people

    • The change since I left a month ago has been dramatic. Feels like this huge weight has lifted. We’ve settled into our new home quickly. I’d say things are looking up! Thank you Fred. It’s heartening to hear others who left prior jobs feel the same way. 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  • Dear AP2,

    Thank you for sticking out your neck and sharing information related to so many important issues! Bravo–I salute you!

    What you shared needs to be said! Yes–“Animal Farm” says so much. We are conditioned by those who will make use of us if we allow it–even at the sacrafice of our health. I can well imagine that the owners of aircraft service don’t really want to face the fact that some of their pilots, who are the backbone of the industry, might experience mental health issues. In the early days of paramedicine, this was also the fact–no one wanted to admit the perils associated with the profession. Turn away, look away–was easier. There was no supportive therapy, and if you cried after a call, you might have risked looking weak.

    Has anyone really looked at what was lost when we supposedly cared for the majority of people by penning them up within their homes? It’s a fact that for healthy living, people need interaction with family and friends. The governments, in their “wisdom,” did not allow that. I could go on, but I know this is a loaded issue, so I will not.

    My own experience with health issues (some mild, but repeating depression, and IBS for 26 years), includes having the removal of 14 amalgam fillings (50 % MERCURY) of which I was not informed. The IBS and depressive episodes went away! It’s been eleven years now.

    Again, AP2, I thank you for sharing! I admire you! I hope you can trust that the universe is leading you right where you need to be.

    Sincerely, with deep gratitude to you,

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Art. Your words always serve to lift me up. I hear your point about people being isolated. We are social creatures at the end of the day. Even the most introverted among us need some human interaction. The fixation on case numbers created a lot of problems. Few people looked at the issue holistically. There were so many moving parts. One things for sure – Covid zero hasn’t worked. It’s costs have been astronomical. I worry what it might mean developmentally for an entire generation. I suspect many kids born in the pandemic will struggle. Anyway I could go on too..

      Wishing you well Art. With deep gratitude to you too, AP2 🙏

      Liked by 2 people

      • You’re welcome, AP2. I’m glad if my words help in some way. Your words help me, too. I agree about the numbers, and I know they were skewed (from a nurse who worked in two hospitals). I agree about what it means for future generations, believing that their safety is dependent on a mask, etc. It’s well known that our immune systems thrive on being exposed to challenging environments, not isolated. This is easy understand–a muscle that is used, naturally grows stronger–not a muscle stored in a closet for “safe” keeping.

        Thanks for your kind wishes! There is SO MUCH that is incredible with this world–your wonderful spouse and family as an example. I also have so much for which to be grateful. You, friend, are included. Thank you.
        Art 🙏

        Liked by 1 person

      • Interestingly enough, Hong Kong had the highest child mortality rate among the developed world when they finally had they big outbreak earlier this year. I suspect it had a great deal to do with weakened immunity from school and park closures, wearing masks and parents obsessively washing their kids hands for over 2 years. Something similar happened with peanut allergies in America. By banning them from preschools/nurseries they ended up creating a generation with far more peanut allergies. Exposure is important. I would say, especially for children. It’s another big reason we left. We no longer felt Hong Kong was the place we wanted to raise our kids.

        I’m grateful for you too Art. Take it easy. 🙂🙏

        Liked by 2 people

  • This is beautifully written and so appreciated. Thank you for addressing the elephant in the cockpit because someone, somewhere, right now, is experiencing this and wondering with heavy worry what to do. I hope this reaches the people who need to read it – I also hope it reaches those who are willing and able to make substantial change.

    Liked by 3 people

  • Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and vulnerable post, AP.

    Mental health is such an important topic to discuss and it doesn’t get enough attention and the negative stigma attached to it makes many people reluctant to talk about it.

    It seems so counterintuitive not to encourage healthy discussions about mental health amongst airplane crew when we trust so many lives to pilots, etc. if anything, we should encourage people to seek help – in the way that you have through your leave.

    I’m very sorry about your colleague. It takes a lot to finally to get to that point and really illustrates how challenging it has been.

    You made the right choice to step away, and I hope you enjoy this new beginning and new chapter ahead with your family!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Ab. I agree with all of the above. I suspect the industry doesn’t want to have a honest conversation about it because it’s a can or worms waiting to happen. Especially given the demands from flying through the night all the time. Sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture for a reason.

      I’ve no doubt I made the right choice. I’m at peace with the decision. I’m excited about the new opportunities and challenges that lie ahead.


      Liked by 1 person

  • It sucks that seeking help for mental health issues is so stigmatised within your former industry (or some parts at least).
    I’m always confused about why seeking help is an issue.
    I’m sorry about your former colleague but glad you sought and received help. I hope the career change and new environment go well.

    Liked by 1 person

  • I think you are wonderful to have made the decision but also to talk about it. We don’t talk or if we do we know people will look at us differently and that makes it hard. Glad to have you back aboard the blogging train.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Brab. I wonder how honest I’m being writing under a pseudonym though? Perhaps one day I’ll have the courage to use my real name in the future. Anyway, I’m happy to be back on the blogging train. I’ve very much missed the wonderful community here. 🙂🙏


  • It’s really sad how stigmatized mental health is. I think you made the right choice, but I understand how difficult it must have been for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is a shame but I think it takes time for attitudes to change. Provided we keep having the conversation I believe they will. Thank you for lending your thoughts once again 🙂🙏.


  • A truly heartbreaking post. Thank you for sharing your insights from the standpoint of someone who was there and suffered through it all. I could have gone my whole life without ever knowing this perspective. When I think of pilots it seems so glamorous! But the downside is pretty steep… I’m sorry for what you suffered and thank you for allowing me to learn from your experience. The pressure pilots are under, I mean, you carry so much responsibility every single flight! That alone has to be exhausting, then add all the covid horror. It’s so sad to see how some industries allow for the stigma against mental health to continue. I’m glad you got help for yourself and I’m glad you made it out. I hope you and your family are well! P.s. I hope the money doesn’t stress you out too much. I want to have several kids and I probably make WAY less than a pilot ever might, but I’ll make it work 🙂 It’ll all work out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That you ashjones. I appreciate your kind words. It’s important that every group has a voice. To state their side. In Hong Kong sadly they are trying to squash those voices. I’m not worried about money. To be honest. Getting a job in aviation should I really need it shouldn’t be a problem with my experience. But I want to challenge myself to climb a new mountain. So long as I have that opportunity I mean to try. Wishing you well 🙏


  • Kia kaha (stay strong) friend. It sounds like a tough decision, but a necessary one. Thank you for sharing your story, for speaking about the pain depression can cause in all its different ways.

    Different situation and industry, but I chose to leave my first ever engineering role to focus on improving my mental health. It was a tough decision, but a necessary one too. I’d been managing – just barely at times – what I learned was depression only after seeing my doctor after leaving that role.

    Thank you again for sharing. The more we share our own experiences of seeking help, hopefully the more we show it is a good course of action. That our mental health is important to our whole life, not just our work.

    Peace be with you and your family AP.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Hamish. Great to hear from you! Health has to come first. We fail to be the person that others need us to be without it. I appreciate you taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Wishing you well brother 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

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