The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What on Earth Am I Feeling?

What on Earth Am I Feeling?

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” – Blaise Pascal 

Disconnecting the autopilot is the practise of noticing when you’re distracted and then actively bringing your attention back to the present. 

But there’s a problem. It’s called turbulence. (Namely, your emotions.)

This is what happens when a pilot takes the autopilot out. For reasons only known to God, the ride gets much worse. (I swear it has nothing to do with my skills.)

The same thing happens when we remove all the distractions from our lives. The ride gets rather bumpy!

This is why meditation – which is essentially the practice of staying present with your immediate experience – freaks many people out. Why some people would rather electrocute themselves!

Because we are forced to deal with all the icky sticky emotions we’ve been bottling up for most of our lives.

Therapy achieves the same thing. 

You sit in a room – sans distractions – with someone who gets you to talk about the painful experiences you don’t want to talk about, while guiding you back to all the emotions you don’t want to feel until you capitulate into a big blubbering mess. (It’s a barrel of laughs.)

The Benefits of Disconnecting Your Autopilot

So what’s the benefit of doing this? 

Well, when we repress one emotion, we kind of repress them all. Acknowledging and letting them go enables us to feel the full kaleidoscope of experience. 

Of course, what we feel about things = who we are. 

This is what people mean when they prattle on about finding themselves or going on a spiritual journey. They’ve allowed themselves to start feeling again.

For those who have been bottling up their emotions for a long time this can be eye-opening. 

Maybe you realise, “Holy shit! I’ve been pretending I’m some badass macho man when, in reality, I’m really sensitive.” Or that you’re really competitive, but that was beat out of you during childhood.

A surprising emotion that came up for me in the wake of my depression was anger.

Now, I’d never thought of myself as an angry person. Indeed, I’m not. However, I almost never used to get angry. What I’d been doing was bottling the emotion up. I didn’t even realise I was doing it.

This was partly because I was taught not to get angry as a child. But also because I was bullied for over two years during my adolescence. 

Instead of expressing that anger as I should have, I turned it inward. 

As you can imagine, this created something of a fire-breathing dragon beneath the surface. It just laid dormant for years.

It wasn’t until I had my first child – whenever he started crying bloody murder – that I found I would get really, really angry. It was intense. 

Often I wanted to throw my kid out the window. Luckily I never did this! But I did have to go into another room and cool off. 

It wasn’t until I allowed myself to acknowledge said anger (and become clear that it had nothing to do with my child crying) that I was able to manage it more effectively. 

The Purpose of Self-Awarness

This is a good example of self-awareness doing me a massive favour – helping prevent me from passing on my own neurosis to my children (or at least limiting the damage).

But it also highlights why flying manually is so damn tricky. We have to reckon with who we really are.

It means acknowledging all the things about ourselves we wish weren’t true – all the ugly unsavory parts of our personality or nature – all our demons lurking deep beneath the surface (that we all have).

Coming to terms with these things can be very difficult – especially if you’re personality is as fucked up as yours truly. The desire is to judge ourselves or blame the world for all our problems.

Of course, this defeats the whole point of self-awareness – that is, self-acceptance.

We only feed the dragon if we refuse to accept it. 

Only by bringing these parts of ourselves into the light with compassion and understanding do we stand a chance of integrating the darker elements of our nature in a healthy way.

The Trap of Introspection

While these insights are extremely beneficial for helping us cope when we’re acting like a giant asshat, there is a bit of a trap when trying to understand why we are the way we are.

As it turns out, asking why we are the way we are is a surprisingly ineffective Self-Awareness question. It’s so ineffective, in fact, you really ought to stop asking it!

Research has shown we don’t have access to many of the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and motives we’re searching for. And because so much sits outside our conscious awareness, we often invent the reason why. 

Aside from being wrong the bigger issue with asking why is that it never stops. It’s like peeling an onion. Underneath the first layer may be an important insight. But after that, it’s just more onion. 

You have to be very careful not to keep peeling in a desperate attempt to try and find the grand cosmic truth for your existence (because there isn’t one).

Most of my issues are rooted in low self-worth. The reason for this is multi-fold based on a series of shit sandwiches I was served in my younger years. The temptation for me is to keep asking why. 

Was it because my parents doubted me? Was it because I was bullied? Was it because?.. 

It’s irrelevant! I understand the false belief that regularly causes my autopilot to fly me inverted straight toward a mountain. I know where it comes from, broadly speaking. 

That’s good enough. 

If I keep peeling the onion it indicates that I’m not accepting the truth about who I am. As a result, I end up trapped in unproductive thought patterns about the past – trying to unearth some grand cosmic truth that will set me free. 

(FYI, this is why frequent self-analyzers are more depressed and anxious and experience poorer well-being.)

The Ultimate Self-Awareness Hack.

None of this is to say you shouldn’t practice a little introspection. However, there is a far far better question to ask than why.

This really is a massive self-awareness hack. It’s so huge, in fact, I will bold it for you. (Mainly because I wish someone had told me this about a decade ago.) 

Ask what, not why. 

Asking what helps you frame the context of who you are regarding the situation you’re in much better. Put another way, what is solutions focused. 

In one study, psychologists J. Gregory Hixon and William Swann gave a bunch of undergraduates negative feedback on a test of their “likability and interest­ingness.” 

Some were given time to think about why they were the way they were, while others were asked to think about what kind of person they were. 

When the researchers had them evaluate the feedback, the “why” students spent their energy rationalising and denying what they’d learned, whereas the “what” students were more open to learning. 

Hixon and Swann concluded that “Thinking about why one is the way one is may be no better than not thinking about one’s self at all.”

To use a personal example, being fatigued is a major trigger for me. Following a long-haul flight, I would often turn into something of a giant asshat. Asking why only compounded my misery.

It wasn’t until I was brutally honest about how depressed I became for days following a long-haul trip that I realized I couldn’t keep doing it.

My body was telling me things my heart didn’t want to hear. Eventually this reached a tipping point where I felt the pain no longer justified the reward. 

It was a major reason why I quit my job. 

This, ultimately, is the whole point of asking what we are: To figure out what we should do about it. 

Summary:

  • Disconnecting the autopilot is the practise of noticing when you’re distracted and then actively bringing your attention back to the present. 
  • Flying manually (practising mindfulness) helps us understand how we feel about everything.
  • Asking why we are the way we are keep us trapped in unproductive thoughts about the past.
  • Asking what kind of person we are is solutions focused. It frames the context of who we are regarding our situation much better.

This is part 3 of a series of posts on the topic of Self-Awareness:

Part 1: The Automation Paradox

Part 2: The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What on Earth Am I Doing?

***

 Sign up for my weekly Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here to receive my free ebook: 66 Insights for Commanding Life. 

Stuck in the Clouds: On the Danger of Asking Why and How To Overcome Morning Overwhelm

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes you shouldn’t peel onions…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) Asking why we are the way we are is like peeling an onion. Under the first layer there might be an important insight. But after that it’s just more onion. You have to be very careful not to keep peeling in a desperate attempt to find some cosmic truth that doesn’t exist. – click to tweet

2) The best way to increase focus is to eliminate distractions. The second best way to increase focus is to compartmentalise your life – to be clear about what you’re suppose to be doing and when. This gives us the best chance to engage in deep work – to harness those coveted flow states.

3)  5 ways to overcome morning overwhelm:

  1. Develop an internal voice that says I can.
  2. Slow things down by meditating.
  3. Lock your phone in a draw.
  4. Remind yourself why you’re doing what you are.
  5. Tackle the most pressing task first.

2 Quotes:

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.

— Edward J. Stieglitz

It is not that we have a short time to live. It is that we waste a lot of it. . . . People are frugal in guarding their personal property, but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy.

— Seneca

1 Joke 

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European!


For more insightful quotes you should probably ignore you can follow me on twitter here.

You can also sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here and receive my free ebook: 66 insights for commanding life. 

The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What On Earth Am I Doing?

The Three Areas of Self-Awareness

According to Tasah Eurich – author of Insight: The Surprising Truth about How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think – there are 3 major blindspots to self-awareness. 

Those are:

  1. Behaviour blindness.
  2. Emotional blindness.
  3. Knowledge blindness.

Behaviour blindness is being oblivious to your own actions. Not noticing when you are getting distracted or why. 

Emotional blindness is being oblivious to your own feelings. Not understanding how you actually feel – what situations trigger specific emotional responses or why.

Knowledge blindness is being oblivious to what others think about you. Where they believe your strengths and weaknesses lie.

To help place a spotlight on each, I’ve come up with 3 stupendous questions:

  1. What on earth am I doing?
  2. What on earth am I feeling?
  3. What on earth are you thinking (of me)?

It works like this. 

We first learn to manage our autopilot before we practice hand-flying. Finally, we ask our trusted co-pilot for some much-needed feedback. 

We then use that information to fly our aircraft toward a more desirable destination – so we don’t act like a giant asshat the next time round!

Today, to avoid overloading your minimal attention span (no offence), I will tackle question #1, What on earth am I doing? and teach you how to first manage your autopilot. 

Let’s jump right in.

What on Earth Am I Doing?

Why you engage your autopilot.

A pilot engages the autopilot because it makes life easier. With the autopilot engaged, we can put out feet up, flirt with the hostess, stare at the clouds, or even read a newspaper. (What’s a newspaper?)

When we take the autopilot out, however, we start to sweat. This is because we must constantly scan our instrumentations – our speed, heading, altitude, etc. 

This is on top of all the other stuff we usually do when the autopilot is engaged, such as monitoring the radar for weather, looking out for other aircraft, or flirting with the hostess. 

So our work is cut out for us.

Now, you’d think the predominant emotion of a pilot taking the autopilot out would be confidence – “My, what big cojones you have el capitan!” – but I can tell you from personal experience the predominant emotion is fear. 

That’s why most pilots engage the autopilot approximately 4 to 5 seconds after take off. (Phew!)

As it turns out, we engage our mental autopilot for the same reason. We do it to avoid feeling pain or fear, or crippling self-doubt. 

How you engage the autopilot.

How exactly do we avoid these difficult emotions? Through distraction. 

“Distraction is the mental equivalent of engaging your autopilot.”

So we reach for our phones, mentally check out, wander over to the fridge, grab the bottle of tequila, binge-eat Ben and Jerry’s, or binge-watch NETFLIX. 

Basically anything and everything to numb ourselves from the intensity of existence. 

A big part of the problem is our repetitive thought patterns – which are themselves a form of distraction. Of course, these pesky thoughts tend to ruminate about how we’re deeply flawed human beings or worry about an apocalyptic tomorrow (thanks, Putin). 

This manifests itself as pain in the present, which we seek to avoid at all costs by either keeping our heads stuck in the clouds or, if that’s too much, reaching for the bottle or our phone.

“Click.” Autopilot in. (Phew!)

Contrary to popular belief, distraction isn’t the root of all evil. Sometimes it’s needed. We should schedule a time to let our minds wander and otherwise fuck around. 

But the key word here is awareness

We want to remain aware of when and why we’re engaging the autopilot. We want to stay conscious in case we need to reign it in. We want to make sure we are choosing our distractions instead of having our distractions choose us.

Put another way – we want to manage our autopilot – not get rid of it. 

Trying to get rid of it is the mental equivalent of going to the supermarket and buying a lifetimes supply of toilet paper whenever someone mentions the word pandemic. It’s overkill. All you’ll end up doing is pissing everyone off. 

What we really want to get rid of are our compulsions. 

How to manage your autopilot.

If distraction costs us time, then time management is pain management.– Nir Eyal

One of the best ways to manage your autopilot is to schedule time for your distractions. 

That is, you should allow yourself to check out occasionally. But you want to do so in a way that is both healthy and satisfying. 

So don’t stop watching NETFLIX or playing video games. No, no, no! Schedule time for it – but set a hard limit – make sure you have allocated the time for that purpose and nothing else.

Nir Eyal – author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life – calls this time-boxing. 

You’d think you’re supposed to time-box your work first and then allocate whatever time left over for your family or the hobbies you wish to pursue, but Nir recommends you take the opposite approach. 

He suggests you time-box play quality time for yourself first. 

The reasoning behind this is straightforward: if you are not caring for yourself, everything else, from your work to your marriage, will suffer. 

So, you will want to kick things off by setting aside enough time for sit-down meals, a good night’s sleep, and some of your favourite hobbies. Follow this by scheduling quality time with your friends and family. 

Finally, fit work around all of that. 

(Who would have thought that work was supposed to support life, not the other way around?)

Once these boundaries are firmly established, you can start to note when your autopilot takes you away from your intended flight path in a given moment. When you find yourself wandering off to some alternative head-space universe. When you are deviating from your planned activities, pursuits, or conversations. 

Here are some questions to think about.

Look for the patterns and note them down. I suggest you reflect on these questions every day as part of a journalling routine.

A final point. 

Whatever you do, don’t judge yourself. The goal with all of this is self-acceptance. Remember, you’re human. Learning to manage the human autopilot is hard fucking work. Perhaps the hardest – so stay kind. 

Step 1 is to simply understand where your autopilot goes and when. Once you have a clearer picture, we can consider why. 

That brings us to the next week’s question: What on earth am I feeling? 

Summary:

  • Distraction is the mental equivalent of engaging the autopilot
  • We use distraction to avoid feelings of pain or fear.
  • The best way to manage our autopilot is to schedule time for distraction.
  • We want to take note of when we’re getting distracted throughout the day.

This is part 2 of a series of posts on the topic of Self-Awareness:

Part 1: The Automation Paradox


For a collection of meditations designed to help you navigate your fears, generate lift and take command of life – join my weekly Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Stuck in the Clouds: On Climbing Higher, Being Grateful and Having a Destination.

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes the point of having a destination is so you can have a journey…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me, 2 quotes from others, and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1:

Life get’s the easier the higher we fly. The air is thinner so we meet less resistance. There’s a reason we want to climb higher. That’s fine. 

Just don’t be fooled into thinking that the level above you will solve all your problems. It never will. And don’t forget to look down and remember where you came from.

To be grateful for the current view out of your window.

2:

Remove “I have to” from your vocabulary. There are very few things you actually have to do. Use the words “I get to” instead.

I get to take the kids to school. I get to work out today. I get to cook dinner.  

It’s a small shift that makes a massive difference.

3:

  The point of having a destination is to give you direction. But also release you from the future, so you can concentrate on the present. So you can enjoy the journey. 

If you pay close attention to the steps you’re taking today, the destination will take care of itself.

2 Quotes:

1:

“I am the wisest man alive, for I know
one thing, and that is that I know nothing.”

Socrates

2:

“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”

— Flannery O’Connor

1 Joke: 

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.


Sign up for my weekly Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here

The Rain Tree

There’s a type of tree that’s planted all over Singapore. It’s known as the rain tree because of its iconic umbrella shape. 

Not only is it incredibly striking to look at, the sprawling canopy provides the perfect respite from the oppressive heat we experience here year-round.

It’s planted extensively throughout Singapore for this reason.

It has fast become one of my favourite trees. Not just because of the shade it provides or how beautiful it is to look at, but for the symbolic meaning it’s come to represent during this time of our lives.

Singapore herself has provided our family with the cover we’ve needed following our diversion from Hong Kong. Cover that has allowed us to reset and recalibrate.

Of course it’s not just Singapore, but many things. Our savings, for example, has given us the safety net we needed to take the risk we did.

Then there are our family and friends who have been nothing but supportive. Who have come to visit and help us move. Who have made us feel so welcome.

They, too, have acted as cover.

While we are incredibly fortunate to have the cover we do, it’s worth recognising that this canopy hasn’t grown overnight. It exists, in no small part, because of the time we have taken to nurture our roots over the years.

Of course, it’s our roots that we need to pay attention to. 

The mistake we make while looking up at the canopy above us – at the places we want to go and the things we want to achieve – is we forget to water the very ground we’re standing on. But, of course, that’s how we get there.

That’s how we really grow tall and flourish.

But nurturing our roots serves a much more important function than simply feeding us the fruits we want to eat. They also provide us with the stability we need when life’s inevitable storms hit home.

It’s our roots that prevent us from getting swept away.

It’s my wife – more than anyone or anything else – that has provided that stability for me following my own diversion from aviation.

Without her taking over the mantle of breadwinner, I wouldn’t be able to take the time to do what I am. To nurture my health and well-being – to regain the lift I need to climb skyward again.

Towards a new and exciting destination.

Let me say, to my wife – who I know will read this – just how much I love and adore you, just how grateful I am for everything you are and do. For your incredible patience and understanding – for your loving, kind-hearted nature.

You’re not just the best life partner to me, but the best mother to our two ridiculous boys. We are truly blessed to have you. 

I want to wish you a very happy Mother’s Day this Sunday.

Let me finish by extending that gratitude to all mothers everywhere (including – especially – my own extraordinary mother). Thank you for providing us with the cover we need to weather life’s storms. 

For helping us come out of them even stronger.


For a collection of meditations designed to help you navigate your fears and take command of life – join my weekly Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

The Joy of Running Around Naked

So my kids have started doing this thing. Every evening before bath time – after we take their clothes off before they get into the tub – they run around the apartment like crazed feral wild cats. Screaming and laughing. 

Pure unadulterated joy.

It got me thinking about the clothes we wear, metaphorically speaking. 

A kid doesn’t question why we walk around with clothes on (when you live in Singapore, there’s a good argument not to). They simply follow the herd to blend it. Because that’s the safest bet.

It’s for the same reason they imitate our actions. As much as I tell them not to act like the giant ass hat I am, they do anyway.

As adults, we’re no different with the character armour we assume. The social conditioning we’ve all undergone to varying cultural degrees. There’s a code of conduct we must follow.

For women, that’s typically something along the lines of never speak up. Always look pretty. Be perfect. Don’t over step your mark. 

For men it’s something like don’t cry. Man the fuck up. Never ask for help. Figuring it out on your own or drown trying.

Of course, it’s all bullshit. 

It’s all clothes we’re told to wear so we don’t make each other feel uncomfortable. Because who wants to deal with someone else’s vulnerabilities? I’m having enough trouble preventing people from seeing my own.

Thank you very much.

I wonder, though, what are we so afraid of? Of upsetting someone else? Why? That’s their problem, not yours.

But that’s not it. 

What we’re really scared of is being vulnerable – of feeling exposed. We want nothing more than to be seen, heard, and accepted for who we are.

What we fear most is rejection.

We’re scared of being laughed at and ridiculed. We’re afraid of having our hearts stamped on.

But what happens if we say fuck this? If, despite our fears, we remove our clothes and let who we are all hang out, warts and all?

We may get laughed at and ridiculed. If you are, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. 

It might mean you need new friends!

At any rate, it’s a risk we have to be willing to take. If only to find out who are friends and family really are.

The truth is the character armour we can carry around is far heavier than the clothes we wear on our backs. We can only carry it for so long before it weighs us down.

That’s why we need to be around the people who will let us take it off – who will accept us when we do. (Even if they can’t help but laugh sometimes.) 

The reward of course is the feeling of aliveness. The feeling of running free. The feeling of pure unadulterated joy.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

Stuck in the Clouds: On Navigating Turbulence and Becoming a Pilot.

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes you should take the autopilot out when you experience turbulence…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “If we want to stop being a passenger and become a pilot we need to disconnect the autopilot and direct our attention to the present. This is what it means to fly manually. We deliberately focus on the present. We sink into our body and pay attention to what we’re feeling. But here’s the trick. We only use effort to maintain focus – to observe. After the fact, we must let go. If we try to control or fight or judge the turbulence, we’ll only make it worse. Instead, we should simply ride it out. Eventually, we will find the clear air beyond.” – click to tweet

2) “When a pilot anticipates severe turbulence they will turn on the seatbelt signs and make a PA telling everybody to take a seat. When we experience inner turbulence one of the most dangerous things we can do is carry on with our normal service. This is when people get hurt. Sometimes it’s best to take a seat and wait for the turbulence to pass.” – click to tweet

3)  Repeat after me: “To remain present. To treat each moment as my last. To savour this one life I have. To really see what/who is around me. To respond to all things with compassion and love – including myself. To be grateful for all that I have – to express that gratitude to all that I love.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

“My deepest belief is that to live as if we’re dying can set us free. Dying people teach you to pay attention and to forgive and not to sweat the small things.”

Anne Lamott

“I say raise your expectations. Elongate your process. Lay on your deathbed with a to do list a mile long and smile at the infinite opportunity granted to you. Create ridiculous standards for yourself and then savor the inevitable failure. Learn from it. Live it. Let the ground crack and rocks crumble around you because that’s how something amazing grows, through the cracks.”

Mark Manson

1 Joke 

My wife offered me a plum the other day, but then she dropped it.

I told her it took a plummet.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

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The Automation Paradox

If there’s one aviation disaster that darkens my knickers more than most, it’s AirFrance 447 – the scheduled passenger flight from Rio de Janeiro to Paris, which crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on June 1st, 2009. 

In a very simplified nutshell, this is what happened.

Approximately 2 hours after takeoff, AirFrance 447 entered a storm system that caused the instrumentation that measures the aircraft’s airspeed to ice over. 

As a result, a few things happened:

  • First, they lost their airspeed indications (rather, they became unreliable).
  • Second, the autopilot said, “Here you go,” and dropped out. 
  • Finally, several of the aircraft’s protections were lost, including the ability to prevent the plane from stalling (as this required accurate airspeed indications).

Now the pilot flying, who was clearly spooked at the time, reacted by pulling back on the sidestick, pitching the aircraft into a steep climb. 

(Many experts are unsure as to why he did this. It’s possible he was trying to fly above the weather or thought they were going too fast. At any rate – at high altitude and heavy weight – this isn’t advisable.)

This caused the airspeed to decay and the angle of attack (the wing’s angle relative to the airflow) to increase. 

Shortly afterward, the stall alarm went off. 

At this point, the crew recognised that they had lost their airspeed. Although the pilot flying had reacted incorrectly initially, this should have been enough to correct his mistake.

All he had to do was point the nose back down.

Instead, the pilot flying continued to pitch up – the exact opposite of what we are taught to do to recover from a stall in flight. 

Eventually, the plane did stall. 

Despite repeated stall warnings, neither pilot ever acknowledged or even mentioned this as a possibility. 

In the ensuing confusion, it seemed they stopped trusting the aircraft’s indications altogether. (Clearly unaware that stalling the plane was even possible.)

Yet, despite not knowing what was happening or why, the pilot flying continued to pull back on the sidestick. He did this almost continuously till impact. 

As Popular Mechanics explains, “The reason that AF447 crashed wasn’t because of weather, or any malfunction, nor even a complex chain of events, but a single & persistent mistake on the part of one of the pilots.” 

The Automation Paradox

“It requires much more training and experience, not less, to fly highly automated planes.”– Sully Sullenberg.

There are many lessons to come from this disaster, but the most pertinent one highlights the dangers of placing too much faith in automation. 

Because of the massive technological advances in aviation, the chances of a pilot encountering a crisis in flight have significantly reduced. However, over – for the same reason – it has meant that pilots are often less able to cope when an emergency does occur. 

Many experts in the field have dubbed this the automation paradox. The very thing that has significantly improved airline safety over the past 60 years has made us worse at flying an aircraft. 

The hard truth is this: that minor glitch – a temporary loss of airspeed indication – overwhelmed the pilots that day. If they had sat on their hands and done nothing, they would have all lived to fly another day. 

Now, I don’t tell you all of this to darken your knickers or to make you think worse of the exemplary professionals sitting at the front of your aeroplane. (There are several extenuating factors I haven’t mentioned here.)

But to highlight the dangers an overreliance on automation poses to you in everyday life. 

The automation paradox is a threat to all of us. 

I’m not just talking about your car’s inbuilt GPS or your smartphones (although they don’t help). More specifically, I’m referring to the mode under which most of us operate for the vast majority of our lives: on autopilot.

The Dangers of Living on Autopilot

Contrary to popular belief, living on autopilot isn’t a bad thing. We were designed to automate the majority of our actions. This is what allows us to walk down the street without having to think about it. This allows us to stare at our smartphones at the same time. That is, until we face-plant a lamppost!

This is when living on autopilot creates problems. When we get too comfortable doing so – when we hide behind it or operate on it without even realising we are. 

Have you ever started walking in the wrong direction – say towards work instead of the shops – out of habit? Only to wake up after a few minutes?

This is what I mean.

It’s not operating on autopilot that’s the problem, but losing awareness of when we are and, consequently, what our autopilot is doing and why.

Much is made about the dangers of the automation paradox in aviation for this reason. 

A pilot who places too much faith in automation is more liable to stop paying attention, failing to understand what the aircraft’s systems are doing and why. Or, crucially, how they should respond on the rare occasion that the aircraft’s systems do fail.

A technically proficient pilot, on the other hand, who is paying attention is better equipped to first recognise and then handle any non-normal scenario when they may be forced to (or should) take over manually. 

This is something we like to call having good situational awareness. 

The 3 Levels of Situational Awareness

There are 3 levels to situational awareness:

  • Level 1 is the perception of what is happening.
  • Level 2 is the understanding of what has been perceived. 
  • Level 3 is using that knowledge to think ahead.

Priority number one, therefore, is to pay attention – to keep scanning your instruments – to make sure the aircraft is flying at the speed, level, and direction you want. 

If you’re not paying attention it becomes more challenging to understand what is happening and why – let alone formulate a plan to deal with it. 

But perception alone isn’t enough. We also need understanding. We need to be technically proficient. We need to understand our ships intimately. 

One of the best ways to do this is to practice hand flying. To prepare for the worst by thinking ahead and having a plan in place. But also taking the time to reflect – to learn from your mistakes – to spot your weakness and understand your strengths. 

Basically, know thyself.

Of course, what I’m really talking about here is self-awareness. Carefully monitoring your impulses, reactions, thoughts, and emotions gives you the best chance to work with them more skilfully – to understand whether they’re grounded in reality or not (probably not).

If you’re overly reliant on your autopilot, on the other hand, you lose this awareness. When you fail to understand where your thoughts, reactions, or emotions are coming from, you’re more liable to let your autopilot take you on an inverted joyride till 5am on a Saturday morning… Or worse.

Perception + Understanding = Awareness. 

To return to the story of AF447, the pilots both perceived what had happened that day. Indeed, they accurately diagnosed the problem. But they never understood what that meant or how to respond.

The pilot flying reacted before he had a clear understanding of what was going on. Then both of them failed to understand the situation they had created for themselves. Despite never gaining clarity, the pilot flying kept pitching up in desperation. 

He kept beating his head against a brick wall.

This might be the most significant everyday issue we have. We act without awareness. We don’t sit on our hands long enough to gain the clarity we need before taking action. We don’t spend enough time living with the autopilot out – to understand how we should respond when faced with a challenging situation or emotion. 

To know that when we stall you must push the nose down.

We have a motto in aviation for this reason. It says, “Use it or lose it.” We say this because flying is a skill. And like any skill, it must be practiced to develop and maintain. 

Living on autopilot isn’t a big deal on most days when the weather is calm and visibility clear. But on a dark and stormy night, when the shit hits the fan blades, it isn’t your autopilot that will save you, but your ability to fly manually. 

How we do this, exactly. will be the subject of my upcoming series of posts.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

Stuck in the Clouds: On Nurturing Your Roots and Pride Versus Love.

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that takes no pride in itself…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “A plant can’t grow if you water the leaves. It’s the roots you must nurture. The deeper your roots the more stability you have, the more able you are to weather life’s storms. Our roots don’t just help us reach for the sky, they prevent us from getting swept away.” – click to tweet

2) “Most people fixate on why they are the way they are, instead of asking what kind of person they are and what they should do about it. This is a massive self-awareness hack: ask what not why. What is solutions focused. Why keeps us trapped in unproductive thoughts about the past.” – click to tweet

3)  “Is pride a good thing? Is it good to be proud of your country or your job or your kids? What if you simply loved them? Perhaps pride is the reason you’re angry? Your pride has been hurt because someone didn’t say thank you. If you do something out of love what does it matter? Pride is ego. Love is egoless.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

When you invent the ship, you also invent the shipwreck.”

Paul Virilio

If distraction costs us time, then time management is pain management.

Nir Eyal

1 Joke 

My bike fell over after a long ride the other day.

I told my wife it must have two-tired!


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Absurdities

The other week my wife and I celebrated our 6-year wedding anniversary. We went to a restaurant called Absurdities. It was, without a doubt, the weirdest dining experience of my life.

The restaurant itself was comprised of various rooms or “worlds.” In each world (6 in total), we were served a different course. We had to find multiple hidden doors and crawl through various spaces to get between these worlds.

One world comprised of a giant tree. Another was a 50’s style kitchen, and another was a first-class cabin in an aircraft. In every world, a waitperson would ask us various riddles, tell us some jokes, or make us play ridiculous games.

They lit a candle for us when we told them it was our anniversary. But they didn’t put this candle on a cake. No, they put it on a fish! I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a lit fish before.

They also make us wear bibs. In short, it was a riot. We didn’t think the food was anything spectacular, but we had a huge amount of fun. More importantly, it was a night we will never forget.

It got me thinking about all our meals over the years where we’ve spent what felt like an arm and leg. Many of which were very forgettable.

But often – when we did our research and found somewhere special – we would have a meal like this. Well, not like this, but one that we always remember.

Of course, money is forever a consideration. But when we um and ah about whether we should treat ourselves, I always ask my wife is she can remember some of these amazing meals we’ve had. Of course, she can.

I then ask her if she can remember how much it cost. She always tells me she has no idea. I tell her it was money well spent then.

That’s how I judge these things. If there’s something you really want to try or somewhere you really want to visit – provided you can actually afford it – I reckon you should fork out (pun fully intended).

Ultimately, you won’t remember how much it cost. But you’ll never forget the experience. If you’re lucky enough to do it with the people you love, well, that’s priceless.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

Stuck in the Clouds: On Lifting Weight and Paying Attention

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only weekly newsletter that constantly loses its train of thought..

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “To gain physical strength we must carry more weight. It’s resistance that builds strength. To gain mental strength we must carry less weight. It’s resistance that weakens us.” – click to tweet

2) “Don’t make your life about the final destination. Don’t hang your pilot’s hat on having to get there. The point of having a destination is to give you direction. But also release you from the future so you can concentrate on the present – so you can enjoy the journey itself! If you pay close attention to the steps you’re taking today, the destination will take care of itself.” – click to tweet

3)  “Knowledge is no longer power. All of us have access to an unlimited amount of it. The most successful will be those who are able to maintain their focus in spite of the limitless information available. Attention is the new super power.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

“The surest way to lose sight of who you are is to constantly compare yourself to others.”

– Tom Krause

We have solved the problem of not having enough information by creating the problem of having too much information.

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

1 Joke: 

A conductor got distracted at work.


He lost his train of thought.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Regaining Lift: A Stall Recovery Guide for Life

“Time doesn’t heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go.” ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

During my adolescence, I was bullied relentlessly for over two years.

It was one of the most challenging periods of my life. I was at boarding school at the time. Halfway across the world from my parents. I felt isolated and alone. So, I withdrew.

That was how I defended myself.

Fast forward several years, long after the bullying stopped, those defences turned into a prison. The more I struggled against them, the stronger the walls became. Eventually, that prison became a fortress, and I found myself in a deep depression that lasted over a decade.

It wasn’t until I came home from work one day that something changed.

I found my son playing on the living room floor. All he wanted was to play with his dada. I remember looking at him without feeling anything – not a shred of joy. I wanted nothing to do with him. At that moment the shame was too much. I went to my room, closed the door, and began to cry.

The walls came crashing down.

Then, something remarkable happened. I found the bottom of the pool. I recall looking around the room with such clarity. It was like I was using my eyes for the first time. And I knew what I had to do. Something I’d been putting off for years. This time I didn’t hesitate.

I picked up the phone and called for professional help.

The Mistake I Made

Now, I’d like to say the rest was history. But that’s not how this story ends. Rather, it’s how it started.

A big mistake I made was thinking that waking up would happen instantaneously. Like my alarm going off in the morning. 

That somehow the grand cosmic reason for my being would become apparent, and I would live happily ever after. (What a dope.)

The brutal reality is that letting go is a slow, arduous process. (On second thought, it’s just like my alarm going off in the morning!) It’s a process we must practice over and over again. 

We first recognise that we’re struggling, and then we let go – we sink into our emotions. Once we find our feet again in the present – once we find the clarity and perspective we need – we push off the pool floor and rise to the surface. 

We then take a much-needed breather before repeating the whole process over again.

A Stall Recovery Guide for Life

Of course, this is far easier said than done – especially if you have been clinging to your defences for a long time. 

So, we need a roadmap – a set of steps we can follow to help us do that – to first shed our defences and then find the strength to pick up our swords and fight for the life we want. 

This brings me full circle to the stall recovery pilots employ in real life. I believe the series of steps they take provide a useful framework that we can use to recover whenever we suffer from a loss of lift in life. Happily, it follows an easy-to-remember acronym I made up called RAPID, which stands for:

  • Recognise (take the autopilot out)
  • Accept (let go of the controls)
  • Push the nose down (come back to earth)
  • Increase thrust (protect your energy)
  • Do it again (climb away/pitch back up.)

This RAPID framework also provides a neat structure for my high-flying book. I plan to do a deep dive into each of these sections over the coming months as I go about researching/writing it.

For now, I want to give you a brief outline of each section so you can get a good idea of where this flight is headed. (And as a way to wrap up this initial series on stalling.)

Anyway, here it is. 

Step 1: Recognise (Taking the autopilot out)

We can’t solve a problem we’re not aware of. If we don’t know we’re stalling, what hope do we have of recovering from it? We first need clarity before we can take appropriate action.

We need to understand what our stall warning alarm is really telling us (whether that alarm is grounded in reality or not). To do that, we need to build self-awareness.

How do we build self-awareness? By taking the autopilot out. This is step 1.

Step 2: Accept (Letting go of the controls)

The point of increasing self-awareness is not self-improvement but self-acceptance. (The paradox here is that self-acceptance leads to genuine change.) 

This is the equivalent of letting go of the controls.

We must accept where and who we are – whether we like it or not – to regain control of our lives. A significant part of this section will explore the shedding of the defences we use to protect us from feeling vulnerable.

I’ll briefly highlight this point for now: Letting go is defined by a willingness to feel vulnerable.

Step 3: Point the nose down (Coming back to earth)

The paradox of vulnerability is courage. We derive true strength from our willingness to shed our armour and show who we really are. This gives us the courage to take action.

Not any old action – an action grounded in reality based on a set of intrinsic values. 

Invariably this means we must sacrifice something – just like a pilot must sacrifice height for lift, we must do the same. We must give up what we want to do and instead come back to earth to do what we should.

That means prioritising people over productivity, and our values over validation. 

Step 4: Increase thrust (Protecting your energy)

The other thing we must prioritise is our health and well-being.

In aviation, we have a saying: Energy is life. Without it, we cannot maintain lift. So it is with us. This is why we must protect/prioritise our own health above all else.

This section will look at how we do that. It will also explore time management – how we can protect not only our energy but our attention as well.

Step 5: Do it again (Climbing away)

The final step is a reminder that letting go is a practice we must repeat. To help us remain grounded as we return to our lives and chase our goals and ambitions.

A significant threat when recovering from a stall is re-entry – pitching too fast too soon before we’ve gained the energy and lift to sustain us over the long haul.

So this final section will look at life balance – how to balance the four forces of life – to help us stay grounded when we’re flying high, whenever we encounter some of life’s inevitable turbulence.

Closing Thoughts

In a nutshell – this is my 5-step guide for regaining lift in life.

Just in case you think I’m pulling all of this out of my pilot’s hat, well, I am. But, after some research, I release that these steps closely follow the methods used in ACT, CBT, and DBT. Quote, “Three of the most effective methods to improve anxiety, mood and self-confidence.”

To land this post, I want to make a final point. 

I’ve defined stalling as a loss of meaning (lift). Stalling is inevitable because change is inevitable – because loss and heartbreak are inevitable. That’s why I think it’s wrong to think in terms of trying to avoid stalling.

The major issue we have isn’t a loss of meaning. It’s an inability to accept and process that loss of lift.

That, ultimately, is the whole point of letting go: so we can move on for the purpose of rebuilding the meaning of our lives. Hopefully this guide will help you do exactly that.


This is part six of a series of posts on the subject of stalling in life.

Part 1: Stalling: The Aerodynamics of Life

Part 2: Stalling: Why We Lose Lift

Part 3: Stalling: Why We Lose Lift (2)

Part 4: Stalling: The Paradox of Meaning

Part 5: Stalling: Why Letting Go is the Key to Regaining Lift

***

You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

Stuck in the Clouds: On Being Stuck in the Clouds and Zooming the Lens Out

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that promises to deliver what you can only do for yourself.

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “Which came first, the thought or the feeling, is a bit like asking whether it was the chicken or the egg. In either case they perpetuate one another. Negative feeling creates negative thought creates negative feeling creates negative thought… Thoughts themselves are often a form of distraction we pursue to escape our pain.

So our heads get stuck in the clouds.

To escape the emotional rabbit hole it’s useful to ask what basic emotion it is you’re avoiding. Then practise letting it go. Once you’ve done that, you can examine the thought from a more objective place to determine whether it’s grounded in reality or not.” – click to tweet

2) “If you’re feeling overwhelmed try zooming the lens out and consider the bigger 10-year picture. Use that to remind yourself there is no need to rush. Then, keep zooming out to the end of existence itself and remind yourself that nothing fucking matters. Then come back to what you were doing.” – click to tweet

3)  “Being successful on the wrong path should scare you far more than any amount of failure on the right one.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

Never attach yourself to person, a place, a company, an organization or a project. Attach yourself to a mission, a calling, a purpose only. That’s how you keep your power and your peace.”

Elon Musk

When letting go, it’s not helpful to “think” about the technique. It’s better, simply, just to do it. Eventually it will be seen that all thoughts are resistance. They are all images that the mind has made to prevent us from experiencing what actually is. When we have been letting go for a while and have begun experiencing what is really going on, we will laugh at our thoughts. Thoughts are fakes, absurd make-beliefs that obscure the truth. Pursuing thoughts can keep us occupied endlessly. We will discover one day that we are right where we started. Thoughts are like gold fish in a bowl; the real Self is like the water. The real Self is the space between the thoughts, or more exactly, the field of silent awareness underneath all thoughts.

— David R. Hawkins (from “Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender”)

1 Joke: 

My wife got annoyed at me for failing to clean the coffee machine.


She said it was it grounds for divorce.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Stuck in the Clouds: On Reaching Your Destination and Being Real.

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes dad jokes are no joke…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “Aim for 70% perfect. Then hit publish and move on with your life. Anything more than 70% and you enter into a diminishing rate of return. The effort stops justifying the reward. Also – the main point – if you aim for 100% perfect you’ll never get there.” – click to tweet

2) “If you can’t find peace now, what makes you believe you’ll find it at your destination? Is where you’re standing now not what once was your destination?” – click to tweet

3)  “The most important emotional distinction you can make is the difference between guilt & shame. Guilt is useful emotion that can facilitate genuine change. Shame is a destructive emotion that makes you more likely to repeat past behaviour. Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am something bad.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Margery William from “The Velveteen Rabbit”

For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of.…Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack.…This internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life.

— Lynne Twist. From her book “The Soul of Money.”

Joke Article: 

I’ve always believed that children should grow up believing their father is a bit of an idiot. That way they’ll learn not to take themselves so seriously. As it turns out, unbeknownst to me, that’s the whole point of telling dad jokes. No joke! Have a read of this: https://www.upworthy.com/dad-jokes-may-help-with-child-development


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Stuck in the Clouds: On Perfectionism and Value Diversification

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes life is too short to be long…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “There’s a trade off when it comes to the things we value. The more things we give a shit about, the less likely we are to get burnt when we lose any one of them. Diversifying your value portfolio is wise. However over-diversification can spread you thin. You won’t get a significant return on any one of them. You don’t want your life to be defined by one thing, but you don’t want it to be defined by too many things either. Deeply meaningful commitments require sacrifice. We need to understand the things we care about the most and then double down on them.”click to tweet

2) “It seems we want the light without the darkness. But we fail to see that the darkness gives rise to light. One cannot exist without the other. We must go through the tunnel to reach it.” – click to tweet

3) “Just like a child needs an environment where they are free to make a mess to discover who they are, a writer needs the same. The ability to make a mess to discover who they are – what it is they really want to write about.”click to tweet

2 Quotes:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”

Brené Brown (from “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”)

“The fastest way to see your ideas become reality is by giving them to other people.”

― Conor Neill

1 Joke: 

I was cycling with my wife the other day when a branch fell off a tree and hit me on the head.

I turned to my wife and said, “Did you see that? I can’t be-leaf it!”

She replied, “It’s lucky you didn’t crash. That was a sticky situation…”


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Stalling: Why Letting Go is the Key to Regaining Lift

“The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed. Proficiency and results come only to those who have learned the paradoxical art of doing and not doing, or combining relaxation with activity.” 

– Aldous Huxley

“From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to the Earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free.”

– Jacques Cousteau

Drown-Proofing 

When it comes to our psychology what’s happened is this.

Our hands and arms have been bound together, and we’ve been thrown into the deep end. The more we struggle, the faster we sink. The more we panic, the more oxygen we burn, the quicker we drown.

As it happens, this is something navy SEALs do as part of their bat-shit-crazy survival training. It’s called drown-proofing.

The trick to surviving drown-proofing is to let go. You must surrender in the face of death and allow yourself to sink to the bottom of the pool. From there, you lightly push off the pool floor to rise back to the surface. 

Finally, you take a big gulp of air before repeating the whole process over again.

The problem with drown-proofing (the reason so many cadets fail at it) is it’s completely counter-intuitive. It’s counter-intuitive for two major reasons.

First, are our deeply ingrained survival instincts screaming at us to do something. (This is what makes drown-proofing such a cruel training exercise: Your survival instincts are pitted against you.)

The second reason is our deeply ingrained belief that we must exert some kind of effort to exact any sort of result.

Diminishing Rates of Return

The logic goes the more I put into something, the more I get out of it. 

When it comes to effort versus reward, we assume it’s one-for-one. Twice the effort garners twice the reward. But this is only true for certain menial tasks like washing the dishes or folding the laundry. 

The reality is the vast majority of things work on a diminishing rate of return. That means the more you put into or experience something, the less rewarding it becomes over time. 

To use work as a classic example. 

Many productivity studies show that most people max out at about 4 to 5 productive hours per day. The rest is just fucking around. Usually, to appease some CEO who feels the need to get their money’s worth. 

Obviously, 4 hours of work is better than none. 8 hours of work is better than 4, although those extra 4 hours will be less productive. 

However, the difference between an 8 and a 12-hour workday is next to nothing. Whereas the difference between a 12-hour and a 16-hour workday is undoubtedly counterproductive. (Factoring sleep deprivation and the probability that the quality of work will have diminished significantly.)

At this point you’ve stalled. You need to let go and return to earth for the night before you make everything worse. 

Of course, this is how an aeroplane works.

If I pitch up, I increase the amount of lift my wings generate. But I also increase the amount of drag I encounter. Depending on my performance (and what it is I hope to achieve), there is an optimum lift-to-drag ratio. If I exceed that ratio, I get a diminishing rate of return on my lift.

If I keep pitching up, eventually, I’ll reach a point where the air separates from the top of the wing resulting in a substantial loss of lift. This what’s known as the stall.

Understating where this point is important so I don’t exceed it. Of course, prevention is better than cure. However, understanding what to do once I have stalled is even more critical.

Not just because it constitutes an emergency, but because the way to recover is, you guessed it, counter intuitive.

Increasing Rates of Negative Return

This is the main point I want to make today. 

The moment we stall in life, the exact opposite of what we believe is true. Effort no longer corresponds with an increase in reward – even on a diminishing rate of return. 

Instead, we enter into an increasing rate of negative return. 

That means the more effort we put into something – the more we try to exact a result – the worse everything becomes. The more we pitch up, the deeper the stall becomes.   

The only way to recover is to let go. 

We must then point our aircraft toward the ground to avoid hitting it. It’s completely counter-intuitive, just like drown-proofing. If you don’t want to drown you must sink to the bottom of the pool.

Here’s the mighty big thing. 

When it comes to our psychology – when it’s something that exists purely within our mind – this is always the case. The more we try to control our emotional aeroplane – the more we try to fight the turbulence – the worse the ride becomes.

Happiness is the classic example here.

The more we desire happiness – the more we chase after it – the further the carrot moves. The more we wish we didn’t feel so anxious, or angry, or sad, the more gasoline we add to the fire.

The more we crave love and acceptance from others, the harder we find it to love and accept ourselves. The harder we try to fall asleep, the more we want to pull our hair out.

I could go on. So I will!

There’s one more example I want to bring up. The one I’ve been building to. One of the four forces of life known as meaning – the human equivalent of lift. 

The more we crave a meaningful experience – the more we desperately try to find meaning – the more meaningless everything starts to feel. The more we wish our lives or experience didn’t mean something, the more we believe it does.

Meaning, like all of the above, requires a counter-intuitive approach.

The Psychology of Letting Go

As complex as our psychology is the reason for this is surprisingly simple. It’s because our mind is both the cause and the effect of the thing we desire. 

We tend to treat our minds like a car we must drive to reach our destination. But the mind doesn’t work like that. This is because the mind is both the destination and the vehicle itself. 

When Buddhist monks preach about already being free, this is what they mean. You can’t drive yourself out of the destination your mind is already in. You can’t swim when you’re arms and legs are bound together. Your only option is to let yourself sink. 

You must sink into the uncertainty, pain, and fear. 

When you learn to do that – as petrifying as it is – you’ll find something remarkable happens. As if by magic you’ll find the clarity and perspective you need. You’ll understand where your fear is genuinely rooted.

You’ll find the bottom of the pool. 

From there, you won’t have to think about how you should act; you’ll know. You’ll push off the pool floor and launch yourself to salvation. You’ll realise that the only to fly upward from here is to point the nose down. 

God willing, you will avoid the ground in the nick of time. 


This is part five of a series of posts on the subject of stalling in life.

Part 1: Stalling: The Aerodynamics of Life

Part 2: Stalling: Why We Lose Lift

Part 3: Stalling: Why We Lose Lift (2)

Part 4: The Paradox of Meaning

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You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

Stuck in the Clouds: On Playing To Win, Giving Up Versus Letting Go, and What It Means To Fly.

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes you should imagine you’re about to die…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “Live your life as if it will end just a few moments later. Let that decide what you say and do. Let that decide how you live and love. Do that and you’ll see what it really means to fly.”click to tweet

2) “Imagine a football team that tries to avoid losing at all costs. One that only ever defends. How can they possibly win? The answer is they can’t. You have to risk being scored against in order to score yourself. You have to play to win, not to avoid losing. To do that you must combine action with acceptance. You must be willing to sacrifice your desire for control – of knowing what the outcome will be – and then go ahead and take a shot anyway.” – click to tweet

3) “Giving up is very different to letting go. When we give up it’s because we fail to see the the meaning in it. It’s like saying, “I will never look like Brad Pitt so why bother exercising.” Whereas letting go means accepting what you cannot control/change. It’s about accepting those love handles and then picking up the dumbbells anyway. Letting go is a courageous act that requires requires stepping into the unknown. It’s insecurity. That’s exactly what defines faith. ” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Albert Einstein

“Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness.”

― Alejandro Jodorowsky

1 Joke: 

The other day my 2 year old asked me, “Daddy, can you put my t-shirt on?”

I replied, “Well, I can try.”

So, I took his t-shirt and placed it over my head.

With my head stuck inside I said, “As you can see, it doesn’t fit me very well.”


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Stuck in the Clouds: On Shame, Taking the Autopilot Out and Owning the Story of Your Past

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that takes a holiday without telling anyone…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “A good writer is a good listener. What you need to listen to is your subconscious. You allow what comes forward to dicate the terms. You’re not suppose to write with your head. Writing – good truthful writing – must come from the heart. It must comes from the gut. To do that you need to let go, listen and then type.” – click to tweet

2) “If you don’t own the story of your past, the story will own you. Here’s an exercise you might consider: Recall several defining, difficult moments from your life and write them out in painful detail. Try you best to understand why you took the actions you did. Try to forgive your past self as you do. Then, take a long hard look at what happened and ask yourself what you would do if the story repeated itself. With all the wisdom you now posses ask yourself how would you act if you got a second chance. Let that knowledge sink in. Use it to orientate yourself in the present. Wear it on your sleeve along with your heart. What will happen is this. An opportunity will present itself. The story will come full circle. You will have a chance to rewrite the ending.” – click to tweet

3) “The more time spent living a life on autopilot the less able we are to live a life of purpose on our own terms. We become scared of taking the autopilot out for fear of the inevitable turbulence we will experience. Yet, it’s in the turbulence with the autopilot out where we really learn to fly.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” 

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.

― Brené Brown. (from “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”)

1 Joke: 

A farmer and a butcher are having a conversation.

The farmer says to the butcher, “I don’t slaughter my calves until they have matured… You could say, I’m raising the steaks!”

The butcher pauses before replying, “That meat joke… It was well done!”


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

Stuck in the Clouds: On Productivity, Meaning and How To Fly an Aircraft

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my high-flying newsletter! The only newsletter that believes our need for meaning prevents us from finding it.

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!


3 Thoughts:

1) “The most meaningful moments in life have no words. When we attempt to attach meaning to those moments we lose it. Like prescribing some profundity to a spectacular sunset. When there are no words it’s best to keep it that way.” – click to tweet

2) “Productivity gets a bad rep nowadays. I believe the word is misunderstood. Increased productivity means an increased output for a given input. It doesn’t mean more work. It doesn’t mean you have to work harder. It means you get more bang for your buck. This is what you want to do to find that all elusive life balance: Have a system in place that allows you to maximise your most productive hours. Also set hard limits and have the discipline – yes discipline – to stop working outside of them.” – click to tweet

3) “There’s a lesson most pilot’s learn the hard way in training. The tendency to over control their aircraft, especially during severe turbulence. The desire to fight the turbulence – to counteract every single bump – makes the ride worse. Do that and you’re more likely, not less, to deviate from your desired track and level. The trick to flying is to let go. You must allow the aircraft to ride out the bumps and then gently bring the bird back to your desired track, level and speed. The same lesson applies to our mental state. The more you fight the turbulence the worse it gets.” – click to tweet

2 Quotes:

“Because children grow up, we think a child’s purpose is to grow up. But a child’s purpose is to be a child. Nature doesn’t disdain what lives only for a day. It pours the whole of itself into the each moment. We don’t value the lily less for not being made of flint and built to last. Life’s bounty is in its flow, later is too late. Where is the song when it’s been sung? The dance when it’s been danced? It’s only we humans who want to own the future, too. We persuade ourselves that the universe is modestly employed in unfolding our destination. We note the haphazard chaos of history by the day, by the hour, but there is something wrong with the picture. Where is the unity, the meaning, of nature’s highest creation? Surely those millions of little streams of accident and wilfulness have their correction in the vast underground river which, without a doubt, is carrying us to the place where we’re expected! But there is no such place, that’s why it’s called utopia. The death of a child has no more meaning than the death of armies, of nations. Was the child happy while he lived? That is a proper question, the only question. If we can’t arrange our own happiness, it’s a conceit beyond vulgarity to arrange the happiness of those who come after us.” 

― Tom Stoppard, The Coast of Utopia

A critic is someone who enters the battlefield after the war is over and shoots the wounded.

― Murray Kempton.

1 Joke: 

I was kidnapped by mimes once.

They did unspeakable things to me.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

The Write Thing To Do

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

― GEORGE ORWELL

I hate criticism. Yet, I open myself up to it all the time. Not just because I’m an idiot, but deliberately with my writing. As some of you know, I sometimes write about delicate subjects.

As a writer, I believe I have to from an argument in order to challenge others. Otherwise the piece of writing amounts to a limp willy. It doesn’t penetrate anything!

But that inevitably means I end up drawing lines in grey areas. That opens the piece of writing – and me, by extension – up to criticism.

So, I often get anxious before I publish one of these posts. When someone does criticise my work, it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I end up questioning myself. Asking why I don’t just shut the fuck up and attend to my own garden.

I know I could easily write some hopeful feel-good post about love. That will certainly get more likes. But truthfully I love thinking about topics such as nihilism, religion, God, and death. Ones that many people avoid like the plague.

When I write about these things, as hard as I’ve thought about them, I know my argument isn’t fully formed. I know I must wrong on many levels. 

But does that mean I shouldn’t attempt to form one? Knowing that what I’m saying is wrong in some way, shape, or form (or perhaps entirely)?

Should I not try to make sense of the incomprehensible? Should I not try to have an opinion as poorly formed as it might be? Should I not put that opinion out there even if it is laughed at, stamped on, or completely torn apart?

Should we not do the same with any piece of art? As imperfect as it is?

That’s one of the main reasons I do: to help me find the blindspots in my thinking. Which are both gigantic and numerous. I’m not just trying to challenge you with my writing; I’m trying to challenge myself. 

There’s another reason.

When I feel particularly anxious about publishing something or hurt by someone else’s comments, I realise, at least, there’s some falsehood in me that I need to pay attention to. A part of my ego that needs to be broken down.

At the end of the day words are just words. We’re the ones that give them meaning. 

Being offended is my issue. It’s one I certainly have. But I’m not alone. If you’re offended by someone’s words that’s your problem. That’s your belief crashing with reality.

It’s your choice to get offended.

I’m not saying don’t challenge other people. Quite the opposite. What I am saying is check your own emotional reaction first. Look inward and note, “Hey, there’s something for me to think about there.” 

Then take a breath or ten. Re-read that post that angered you and really consider the argument – but also, crucially, what triggered your emotional reaction. If you really don’t agree with something, say so. 

You should. 

But maybe start with a point you do agree with, something you do like. There is a way to break the ice. If you hurl rocks at people they aren’t going to receive them.

When I see some of the comments people make. The sheer disdain. The savagery of certain trolls who feel the need to put others down. It’s no wonder people remain silent. 

Why would you want to subject yourself to that kind of torment? 

But what happens in a culture like this? Where people are so afraid to exercise their freedom of speech? What is happening?

I’ll give you an example.

The other day I was watching a gangster movie. A guy was kneeling before a mobster with a gun pointed toward his head. Just before the mobster pulled the trigger, the guy kneeling said, “Darn you!” Of course, this had been doctored so as not to offend people. But then, he has his fucking brain blown out!

What kind of fucked up morality is that?

To me it speaks to a country where guns are legal but saying something that might hurt someone else’s feelings increasingly isn’t. Where someone can get up on stage and slap someone else in the face before picking up his award to a standing ovation. 

Do we really believe cancel culture is having the desired effect? Is it really silencing hateful voices, or is it, in fact, encouraging them? Worse, is it not making good people less resilient in the face of those voices? Is it not making us all less tolerant?

Here’s where I contradict myself.

Words are just words in relation to the meaning we give them. But the ability to say those words in the first place is priceless. Freedom of speech isn’t a given. It’s something we must fight for. One way to do that is by exercising that freedom. So be brave and speak up. Say what it is you really think. 

Right or wrong. 

But be humble enough to consider the other side and admit when/where you might have it wrong. If you need help understanding something, ask questions. If you’re struggling to see it from the other side, become curious, not judgemental.

We all have our beliefs. We all cling to them out of security. We’re all ignorant to a large degree. We all just want to be heard.

Be sensitive to that. 

It’s so easy to attack others. It’s so easy to place them on a lower pedestal – to laugh at their mistakes or deride their point of view. It’s much harder to put yourself in their shoes and consider where their argument really comes from.

It’s even harder to put yourself out there despite these things – or rather precisely because of them – because you believe, as much as it hurts, it’s the right thing to do.


You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

***

To have my weekly newsletter delivered straight to your inbox sign up for my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. You know you want to