Tag: habits

The Sweetie Draw

The Sweetie Draw

AP2

When I was about 8 years old, my family and I went over to our next-door neighbour’s house for dinner. After dinner, their daughter offered me a sweet for dessert. So, she led me into her room and opened up her “sweetie draw.” 

What she had done was save her sweets over months and months to fill up this draw with all of her favourite goodies. It was a big draw. Skittles, liquorice allsorts, gummy bears, gobstoppers… you name it, she had it.

The thought of it now makes me salivate. 

It made such an impression, I decided to build my own. So, while we were out shopping the next day, I pleaded with my mum to buy me some sweets. I remember getting a packet of chewy fruit mentos. I vowed not to eat it but to save it for my very own sweetie draw. 

On the way home, however, I couldn’t help myself. I bargained with myself, “It’s ok if I eat a few. I can save the rest of the packet for my sweetie draw!” By the car ride home, I’d eaten most of the packet.

After we got home, I placed this mostly eaten mentos packet in my bedside drawer. Of course, it didn’t last long. The thought of it continued to eat away at me. Eventually, I gave in and consumed the rest.

But do you know what? Do you know how I felt after this crushing defeat? Well, nothing really. I didn’t care. I simply moved on with my life. 

Now, I’m sure you’ve most of you have heard of the famous marshmallow experiment. For those who haven’t, it was a study conducted by psychologist Walter Mischel, where children were offered a choice between one marshmallow now or two marshmallows if they waited for a period of time.

Years later, researchers found that the children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards “tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores, educational attainment, body mass index (BMI), and other life measures.”

I bring it up because every time I read about it, it always made me feel kinda bad. Because I know I would have been one of the kids who “failed” that experiment. Just like I failed to build that sweetie draw.

Still, I realize something is up because, by most of those metrics, I am “successful.” Not as successful as some, but I could have done worse. How much of this “success” has to do with my skin colour, sex, or other advantages I take for granted, is up for debate. I feel it would be remiss not to mention that. 

Either way, I know I’m still that kid inside. 

My wife has no problem eating in moderation. On the other hand, given half the chance, I will consume an entire box of Oreos in one sitting. This is why I ask my wife not to buy treaty things when she goes shopping. She once asked, “What if I hide them?” I told her in my best Liam Neeson impression, “That I will find them, and I will eat them.” 

None of this is to say I haven’t learned to delay gratification. I believe I have. My finances are in good order. I eat a balanced diet (at home). I’m fit and healthy. It’s just, none of this is really achieved through willpower. I’m not sitting on my hands, trying to distract myself from eating the marshmallow in front of me.

I’ve learned that designing my environment is a FAR more effective way to control my impulsivity. I’m better off with no marshmallows than I am trying to get two. And this, I’ve figured out, is my superpower. It’s not the ability to delay gratification so I can get what I want. It’s not wanting it in the first place. 

I can’t help but wonder, what if, many of those kids – the ones who weren’t “capable” of delaying gratification – were misunderstood. What if they were happy being who they were until society placed a spotlight on the “successful” people of this world and told them this is who you should be and what you should have? Until society showed them the sweetie draw and said, “look at this!”  

Of course, that same society also teaches us that our wants and desire “are the root of all evil.” That may well be true, but what happens when you hate on your own wants and desires? What happens when you hate yourself for being human? What happens when you resist or hate anything? Of course, you give those parts of yourself control. You give those things strength. (That applies to the political party and leader you hate too!)

But people don’t build sweetie draws because of their ability to delay gratification. They find the act of building a sweetie draw gratifying. They love collecting. They love saving up. Similarly, people don’t get up at 5 am to exercise because of their incredible willpower. People obsessed with health and fitness are simply obsessed with health and wellness. 

They have made those things part of their identity. It’s who they are.

Of course, we can learn to make those things part of our identity too. We can put the habits in place that reinforce the identity we wish to build. We can learn to visualise our goals and “surf the urge” whenever we find ourselves tempted to dig into the packet of mentos. 

These things are worth working on.

But if you’re going about it to make up for the fact that you don’t currently have a sweetie draw. If you’re trying to make up for feelings of inadequacy, it’s going to be hard, if not impossible. If you ask me, self-discipline is an illusion. The real secret to self-improvement is self-acceptance. It’s when you learn to understand, love and work with the person you are, that things become easier.

And you should take the time to ask yourself who you are and what it is you really want.. Maybe you want the second marshmallow, or, maybe you don’t one in the first place?

Personally, I love going with the flow. I don’t care so much for stuff. I tend to think that security is overrated. If I’m being brutally honest, I’ve found having three mortgages, keeping up with several different investment portfolios, etc., somewhat imprisoning. I’m looking to drastically simplify my finances over the next couple of years for that reason.

The older I get, the more I realise how much happier I am giving away my marshmallow than I am trying to save for a second. I realise there will never be a sweetie draw in my household and do you know what?

I don’t care.

***

You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://pointlessoverthinking.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

Or on Twitter at: @AnxiousPilot

3-2-1 Flying Fridays!

3-2-1 Flying Fridays!

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to the Flying Fridays newsletter! The only weekly newsletter that laughs when you fall over before helping you back up…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 something special (maybe). 

As a bonus I’ve finished with one joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!

3 x Thoughts:

1) Treat your emotions like you would a child. They’re equally irrational. It’s non judgemental compassion that gets them on side. Getting angry at a child who is throwing a tantrum doesn’t work. So it is with you.

2) The belief that something is wrong with us is central to the issue of feeling bad about feeling bad because that belief brings up more negative emotions (go figure), which we then see as confirmation that something is wrong with us.

3) Attempts to control negative thoughts and emotions makes them worse. Better to concentrate on forming desirable habits instead. Mood follows action.

2 x Quotes:

“For the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts and that the world is not so ill with you and me as it might have been is half owing to those who lived faithfully a hidden life and rest in unvisited tombs.”

― George Eliot, MiddleMarch

“Most people die at 25… we just don’t bury them until they are 70.”

—Benjamin Franklin

1 x Thing:

This excerpt from The Practice of Groundedness by Brad Stulberg on perception of vulnerability:

Researchers at the University of Mannheim, in Germany, conducted a series of seven experiments in which they had adult participants share information about themselves with one another at varying levels of vulnerability. They repeatedly found that the individual doing the sharing felt that their vulnerability would be perceived as weak, as a negative. But the person on the other end of the conversation, the listener, felt the exact opposite: the more vulnerable the sharer was, the more courageous they perceived him or her to be. The listener viewed vulnerability as an unambiguously positive trait. “Confessing romantic feelings, asking for help, or taking responsibility for a mistake constitute just a few examples of situations that require showing one’s vulnerability,” write the researchers from the University of Mannheim. “Out of fear, many individuals decide against it.” But this, the researchers conclude, is a mistake. “Even when examples of showing vulnerability might sometimes feel more like weakness from the inside, our findings indicate that, to others, these acts might look more like courage from the outside. Given the positive consequences [increased trust and connection, improved learning from others, and forgiveness after making a mistake] of showing vulnerability for relationship quality, health, or job performance, it might, indeed, be beneficial to try to overcome one’s fears and to choose to see the beauty in the mess of vulnerable situations.” The University of Mannheim researchers aptly coined their finding “the beautiful mess effect.”

– Brad Stulberg

1 x Joke:

What did the left eyebrow say to the right eyebrow?

“Between you and me, something smells.”

PREVIOUS NEWSLETTER:

3-2-1 Flying Fridays – 29/10/21

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The 3-2-1 Friday Flyer

The 3-2-1 Friday Flyer

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my weekly newsletter! The only newsletter that reminds which direction earth is whenever you’re up looking at the stars…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 something special (maybe). 

Let’s begin!

3 x Thoughts:

1) Your values aren’t what you say they are. Your values are what you do. They’re what you embody. If you binge watch Netflix every night, that is something you value. Living and acting in accordance with our values is what gives our lives meaning and raises self-esteem. Saying what we believe is right but acting otherwise does the opposite. 

2) There’s a big difference between treating people the same and forcing equal outcomes.

3) Sometimes doing what is right feels good as well, and that makes things easy. It’s also true that what is bad sometimes makes us feels bad too. More often than not, however, what feels good and what is right don’t align. Conversely what is wrong but feels good does. At least initially. The trick here is acknowledging and being kind to how we feel now, while reminding ourselves how things will feel/be in the future. Another trick is reminding yourself what will happen if you fail to act in accordance with your values. You want an idea to run away from as much as you want a goal to run towards.

 

2 x Quotes:

“Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.” 

― Baruch Spinoza, Ethics

“It’s a curious truth that when you gently pay attention to negative emotions, they tend to dissipate – but positive ones expand.”

– Oliver Burkeman Source: If you want to have a good time, ask a Buddhist

1 x Thing:

This week I have a question: “What are your most important values and why? How do you live up to them?“

PREVIOUS NEWSLETTER:

The Friday Flyer – 15/10/21

Enter your email below and get the Friday Flyer delivered to your inbox (almost) every week!

How To Gain Enlightenment While Taking A Dump

How To Gain Enlightenment While Taking A Dump

AP2

Today I felt like some good old fashioned toilet humour was in order, and so I came up with this stupendous blog post idea: How To Gain Enlightenment While Taking A Dump.

Or, to give it another title: What Makes A Good Toilet Book For Moments Of Profound Pooing. #toiletbooks #profoundpooing (I’m hoping to start a trend.)

Before I get onto it (ha), there is a serious point I’d like to make first. One about designing your environment to help cultivate better habits. In this case, putting a book to read next to your toilet instead of mindlessly scrolling on your phone (because I know you do) when you go for a number two.

James Clear talks about the power of designing your environment to help promote and stick to better habits (or break bad ones) at length in his brilliant book Atomic Habits.

He notes,

“Environment design is powerful not only because it influences how we engage with the world but also because we rarely do it. Most people live in a world others have created for them. But you can alter the spaces where you live and work to increase your exposure to positive cues and reduce your exposure to negative ones.”

Some Examples Of Environment Design Include:

– Placing a glass of water by your bed to drink first thing in the morning.

– Leaving your phone in a different room when you go to sleep so its neither the last thing you look at before sleeping, nor the first thing you look upon waking (FYI there’s this great invention I heard of called an alarm clock).

– Placing a fruit bowl on your living room table to encourage better eating habits. Similarly placing bottles of water around your house to keep you hydrated.

– And, if you want to promote better reading habits while also reducing harmful mindless smartphone scrolling, placing a book by the side of your toilet for when you sit down to do a poo.

So What Makes A Good Toilet Book?

When picking a good toilet book to read I think the topic of the book is less important than the type.

Novels tend not to work well because they are designed to be read over a matter of hours. Unless you had Indian for dinner the night before, I don’t think any heavy duty book which requires a great deal of reading at any one time is best.

Instead I suggest books designed to be read in short occasional bursts.

Generally you want lightweight books, although, if you have the space in your bathroom, larger coffee table style books could work too.

It can be fictional or humorous, depending on what your preference is, but for me, I find that spiritual books help to keep my grounded, while I’m giving back to the earth…

What Are The Benefits?

The great thing about toilet books, especially spiritual ones with many thought provoking quotes, is you can really sit on them. Read a quote, put the book down and then ponder the meaning of life.

You’ll also be surprised by how much reading you can get done as the weeks and months pass by. I only started this habit recently but have already finished several books.

An added bonus is that it serves as a great reminder to leave your phone outside the bathroom so you’re not making the very unhygienic and unhealthy habit of scrolling and wiping. (Hygiene being very important these days of course. #coronavirus)

While it might see like obvious etiquette to put the book (or your phone down) before wiping – should one accidentally mistake the order of things, something which, incidentally, is much more likely to happen when scrolling on your phone, at the very least the toilet book stays in the toilet. Should you make such a mistake – unlike your phone – it’s not coming out of the bathroom with you.

Do You Have Any Recommendations?

There are loads to choose from so I’ll just suggest one that resonated deeply. A beautifully illustrated book called, “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy.

It’s not only deeply moving and thought provoking, it’s a beautiful piece of art in its own right. I could pick any quote from the book and it would be worth sharing, but I’ll leave you with just one that hit home for me on a personal level (and just in case you happen to be on the toilet right now).

“What is the bravest thing you’ve ever said?” asked the boy…

“Help”, said the horse.

(Thanks for reading everyone! I’m curious if anyone else indulges in this peculiar habit of mine? If so do you have any good toilet book suggestions? Or any other good ideas for environement design around the house? I’d love to hear from you below.)

8 Ways To Hang Up Your Smartphone Addiction

8 Ways To Hang Up Your Smartphone Addiction

AP2

Do you have the kind of relationship with your smartphone where it feels like you fight all the time, but end up having really great sex?

Where you get so stressed out you put it down and walk away, only to come crawling back after 5 minutes because you can’t help yourself?

So you pick it up and passionately open all your apps, getting one dopamine hit after another.

Click click click, fuck fuck fuck, “Ahhhhhhh yeahhhhh…”

The problem is once you’re done you feel depleted, like someone whose been used and abused. You end up loathing yourself because you didn’t have the willpower to say no, again!

Anyone else feel like this?

Well, if you do, then welcome to the club! If you don’t, well, I suspect you’re not reading this article. Actually, I suspect you live in a forest.

Anyway, today I’m putting my foot down. Enough is enough! This time I really am breaking up with my phone.

[Silence]

Ok, ok, no I’m not, the sex is too damn good, however, I am determined to have a relationship with it on my own terms – to have sex only as and when I want it.

The question is, how the fuck?

Well, here are 8 ideas I googled while sitting on the toilet for the past hour…

1. Admit You Have An Addiction

Let me be the first to admit I’m addicted to my phone. I feel naked without her. Sometimes I am naked with her (shhhhh – don’t tell my wife).

If you’re not sure whether you might be addicted too (you are), I highly recommend taking this quick Smartphone Compulsion Test.

It was developed by David Greenfield, PhD, of the Centre for Internet and Technology Addiction at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine.

He said, “If you answer “yes” to more than 5 out of the 15 questions, it indicates you have a problematic relationship with your mobile device. More than 8 and you might consider seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist who specializes in behavioral addictions for a consultation.”

Seriously!

Just be warned the article also said, “it seems the only way to score below a 5 on this test is to not have a smartphone…”

2. Buy An Alarm Clock 

If you were born after the year 2000 and are wondering what an alarm clock is, it’s a primitive device people used before the invention of smartphones.

Yes, about the same time that dinosaurs were roaming the planet.

Anyway, it does two things. One, it tells you the time, and two, it sounds an alarm for when you wish to wake up in the morning, hence the name alarm clock.

Amazing right?

“No, and my phone does that anyway so why would I buy one?

Because everything starts with a good night’s sleep and with your phone by your side the temptation to check it is too great.

And what happens if you do?

The blue light makes it harder for you to sleep. Which, if you already have trouble sleeping, can quickly turn into a vicious cycle.

The cure?

Buying yourself a dinosaur alarm clock and leaving your phone out of the bedroom while you sleep.

3. Leave Your Phone In The Bedroom During The Day. 

First thing in the morning, after I’ve made my bed, I meditate for 20-30 mins. Afterwards I collect my phone – which spent the night in my office – and place it inside my sock draw next to my bed (no joke).

I only check it for messages/emails after I have gone through my morning routine. So long as I’m at home, this is where it lives.

This forces me to ask the question, “Do I really need to have sex with my phone right now? Or should I retain my focus for something more pressing?”

Of course it doesn’t have to be your bedroom, but I suggest you leave it somewhere that’s a little awkward to reach – like inside a cookie jar at the very top of your kitchen cabinet.

The idea is to design your environment so you don’t have to rely on willpower alone. Of course it takes willpower to walk to a specific place to check your phone which is the point.

This prevents you from mindlessly scrolling costing you precious attention and time throughout the day.

4. Delete All Social Media And Email Applications 

The idea with this is to create “friction points” within the phone itself.

“But if I delete my apps how will I be able to check my social media feeds?”

By using your web browser of course. I know, how inconvenient right? Of course that’s the point.

Here are a few other ideas:

  • Turn off all notifications
  • Remove all distraction-based apps from your home screen (or entirely)
  • Use airplane/do not disturb modes
  • Keep your phone on silent at all times

For more about these ideas check out this YouTube clip from Tim Ferris below:

5. No Little Screens In Front Of Big Screens

You’re either watching the TV or you’re not. You’re either on your phone or you’re not. Your’e either talking to your friends or you’re not. You’re either doing work or you’re not.

You get it! 

Multitasking is a myth. Attempts to do so only diminish your ability to focus on any one thing. For that reason one of my rules at home is to have no little screens in front of big screens.

This prevents you from mindlessly looking at your phone while you’re in front of the television. The benefit being you will enjoy what you’re watching much more.

Another benefit is you’ll be able to focus better at your computer when all other distractions (and devices) are out of sight.

6. No Phones At The Dinner Table

The minimum we can do to demonstrate love for our family during dinner time is by leaving our phones off the dining table.

This is something I like to call, having good Tablet Manners.

Another rule I have is no phones in the bathroom. If you’ve found yourself taking a 30 minute poo while scrolling Instagram you’ll understand why this is important.

I place books to read next to my toilet instead. Something I talked about a long time ago in this article: How To Gain Enlightenment While Taking A Dump.

Once again the idea is about designing your environment to promote positive habits and curb bad ones. Instead of bringing your phone into the toilet, stick some spiritual books next to the loo so you can read a profound quote and really sit on it…

This helps you cultivate mindfulness instead of mindlessness while on the potty.

7. Prioritise And Schedule Human Interaction 

Allow me to give you some damning statistics.

Now consider the amount of time you dedicate to conversing, in person, with the people in your life. If you’re like me, that ought to sober you right the fuck up!

So here’s what I suggest you do: Schedule and make the time for the people you love. 

Organise play time with your children, date nights with your partner, drinks with your friends, etc. Whatever it is, when you do, make sure to leave your phone somewhere else, or, at least, turn it off and really give yourself to the people in your life.

Make them understand that they are more important than the screen inside your pocket.

 

8. Have A Digital Sabbath One Day Per Week

To list the tip of the iceberg, our smartphones are also:

I suspect that one day the general population will seriously reconsider the relationship they have with their smartphones. Perhaps in a similar way to how people did with smoking back in the 1950s. The truth is scrolling is the new smoking. There’s a good reason why Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t let their children near them.

I sincerely believe if we are to protect our own children we need to get a handle on our own addiction first. As adults we need to demonstrate how to have a healthy relationship with them.

That’s why my final recommendation is to implement a digital sabbath where, for one day a week, you go completely screen free. A day dedicated to simply being.

For me it’s the equivalent of hitting the reset button. I spend it going for leisurely walks, reading books and being with my family. It serves as an important reminder, for my family and I, that we really don’t need our phones to live a happy, healthy life.

(Thanks for reading everyone. I sincerely hope you got some ideas about how to live more harmoniously with your smartphones. Out of interest, what tips or advice do you have, if any, for living more mindfully with yours? As always I welcome ALL thoughts and opinions on this blog.)

3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to Mindset Mondays! The only weekly post that believes you should become a minimalist by giving it all your stuff…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 thing I’ve been reading, watching or listening to this week that has helped me grow.

As a bonus I’ve finished with 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good.

Let’s begin!

3 x Thoughts:

1) It’s funny how giving away everything for nothing in return gives you everything you want.

2) Mental and physical health are intrinsically linked. Looking after both for the sake of each other should be your first priority every day. (Try meditation, exercise, journalling…)

3) The more shit you have, the more shit you have to worry about. Don’t aim to have lots in life. Aim to have the few things you desire the most. Then learn to get as much joy and love out of those things as you possibly can. Cut out the rest. Less really is more.

2 x Quotes:

“Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what’s next, and the joy of the game of living.”

  • Samuel Ullman, a Jewish poet

    • “…having an enviable career is one thing, and being a happy person is another. Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential – as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them. To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.”

  • Bill Watterson, the cartoonist and creator of Calvin and Hobbes

    • 1 x Thing:

    This brilliant art of manliness article: Via Negativa: Adding to Your Life By Subtracting. The article argues that the path to becoming a better person is often found by subtracting the negative from our lives. Well worth the quick read. A couple of quotes listed below:

    “Don’t ask yourself “What am I going to do to be a better man?” or “What kind of man do I want to be?” Invert those questions and ask “What am I NOT going to do to be a better man?” and “What kind of man do I NOT want to be?”

    “Eliminating obvious downsides like bad habits and debt will provide a good life; eliminating good things so you can focus on the very best will lead to a truly flourishing life.“

    1 x Joke:

    Have another far side comic for this week folks. Hope you enjoy!

    Thanks ladies and gentlemen. I’m here all week! As always I welcome ALL thoughts and opinions on this blog. Please let us know in the comments section below.

    One bonus question to finish: What can you subtract from your life to make it better?

    PREVIOUS MONDAY POST:

    Mindset Mondays – 15/03/21

    Tuesday’s Top Tip

    AP2

    You know how we’re always doing one thing but thinking about something else?

    Like ALWAYS.

    You know how this is an example of mindlessness not mindfulness?

    Well I have a little hack for you today.

    And it’s going to sound silly but I swear it works. 

    Here it is:

    When you’re doing something articulate it.

    You don’t have to say it out loud of course (unless you want other people to think you’re lunatic) – in your head is fine – but be clear about what it is you’re doing in any giving moment.

    For example, I am sitting down to read. I am walking to the shop. I am drinking water. I am eating lunch. I am sitting on the toilet. I am writing. I am exercising. I am brushing my teeth. I am scrolling on Facebook. 

    You get the point.

    The beauty is, not only will this make you more mindful, it makes you more aware.

    I am having another beer. I am having another chocolate. I am throwing away another piece of plastic.

    The idea is not to stop you from indulging in negative habits but to simply make you more aware of them. This, in turn, makes you aware of what you should be doing. That’s often enough to steer you in a slightly better direction.

    So that’s it.

    Todays top tip is to simply say what you’re doing as you’re doing it.

    It’s an awesome mindfulness hack.

    You’re welcome.

    Previous Top Tip

    Tuesday’s Top Tip

    AP2

    Why should you make your bed in the morning? Why should you shave? Why should you wear your best clothes? Why should you exercise? Why should you find 5 minutes to meditate?

    Because all little these things are saying something. They are saying whether or not you think today is more or less important than others.

    I always advocate wearing your best clothes (practically speaking of course). I always advocate going through your morning routine – especially if you don’t feel like it.

    By doing so you are telling yourself to show up for today.

    You are telling yourself that today is what matters the most.

    That this moment is the most precious one.

    This is always true.

    Why wouldn’t you show up for what is always the most important day of your life? 

    Previous Top Tip

    Tuesday’s Top Tip

    AP2

    There are no good people.

    There are no bad people.

    There are only those who are trying to be better and those who are not.

    Trying to be a “good person” or aiming for some idea of perfection is exactly what society wants you to do. This makes you feel like you’re always less than, like you’re not a good person, that you’re not capable…

    For lack of putting it a better way, this is complete horse sh*t.

    Forget good.

    Forget perfect.

    You are neither of those things. Well, maybe you’re occasionally capable of being good as defined by society, but never perfect. That is a fantasy.

    No no no.

    Banish good and perfect from your vocabulary and concentrate on one word alone.

    That is better.

    Make it your only aim in life. Your only aim everyday in whatever it is you decided to do. Simply try to be a better person.

    This, you always can be.

    This is enough.

    Previous Top Tip

    6 Lessons From 362 Days Of Meditation

    6 Lessons From 362 Days Of Meditation

    AP2

    Can you believe it?

    3 days short of a year!

    I’d meditated every day for the past 362 days until yesterday when, quite simply, I forgot… I only realised I’d missed a day when my headspace app told me this morning that my current run streak was back to 1! 

    F**********ck! (I say that mindfully of course)

    I was so excited about reaching the 365 milestone too! I had big plans to write the world’s most incredible blog post about it. Explaining with much enthusiasm how I’ve become a fully enlightened Buddhist Monk. Basically a pot bellied version of Yoda who meditates with several beer cans floating around his head.

    I was going to say how my mind was so strong, if you could see it, it would have a rippling 6 pack! Instead, I’ll have to settle for the 6 pack of beer that’s crashed to floor in order to overcome this gut-retching failure…

    Alas, the amazing feat of having meditated consistently for 365 days straight will have to wait for, well, another 365 days…

    Till then perhaps you’d like to hear what 362 days taught me instead…

    1. It Doesn’t Matter If You Forget

    “Don’t cry over spilt milk.”

    – Old Proverb 

    Do you want to know how I actually reacted this morning? To nearly reach this goal – to have come so far only to fall at the final hurdle? 

    The moment I realised, I wasn’t in slightest bit bothered. I thought I would feel gutted but the truth is I smiled. Actually I laughed! A year ago it would have bothered me to fall short like that. I would have taken the failure to mean I was one. It would have hurt. I’m sure of it. This morning though, I simply laughed and got on with my day. 

    That was my honest to god reaction! 

    The truth is, I saw something beautifully poetic about failing to reach this milestone. I saw something even more beautiful about the fact that the reason I failed was because I forgot. Why? Because it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. 365 is just a number. 362 is another. The truth is I’m just as proud. 365 days was just something to shoot for. Which I will again!

    Getting up this morning and meditating as if nothing had happened is exactly how I should’ve reacted regardless of having forgotten to mediate the day before. Regardless as to whether I had made 365 days or only 3.

    If you fall off the horse get back on it. There’s no point moaning on the floor, or crying over the fact you landed in a pile of shit. Life is about getting back up. Life is about cleaning the shit you will inevitably find yourself covered in at some point (both figuratively and literally). The one missed workout or meditation doesn’t matter. If one day becomes a week, one week then becomes a month, well then, maybe it does. But it’s never one failure that defines us, it’s when you let that one failure become several.

    The point is all that really matters when you fall down is that you get back up!

    2. Having A Regular Practise Is Key

    “Commitment to action creates a pathway in the brain to greater mindfulness, awareness & aliveness.”

    – Shamash Alidina (Mindfulness for dummies)

    Like anything, if you’re series about becoming a long term practitioner, you need to make it a habit. No one forgets to brush their teeth in the morning. In my eyes, meditation shouldn’t be any different. Your mental health is the most important thing in the world – you need to give it the time and attention it deserves. Whether you show up and do just 1 minute or an hour, what matters is that you show up. 

    I would add the point of a formal meditation practise has nothing to do with finding calm during the practise. What it does is increase the amount of time you remember to practise mindfulness informally throughout the day. As any buddhist monk will tell you there is no difference between mindfulness and meditation given that meditation is the practise of mindfulness. Mindfulness is meant to be a way of life. That’s why making it a habit is so important. The longer term goal (as no Buddhist monk would ever tell you) is to make mindfulness habitual.

    3. You Need To Treat It Like A Sacred Act

    “The beauty of an action comes not from its having become a habit but from its sensitivity, consciousness, clarity of perception, and accuracy of response.”

    – sj Anthony De Mello (AWAReness)

    There were many days this past year I simply showed and went through the motions. I set my meditation timer and then spent 20 minutes mindlessly wandering about trivial bullshit, no more zen than when I had started. I quickly realised that a regular meditation practise is great, but not if you’re simply going about it to tick a box. You’re not helping yourself.

    You need to take it seriously – no distractions (put your phone in a draw or put it in aeroplane mode if using an app) – Go somewhere quiet and sit up straight! That last one is important. I tired all positions – lying meditations are good for body scans – relaxing and helping you to fall asleep but not for focus. For this reason I recommend that your morning practise be done sitting up straight to help you adopt an attitude of unconditional confidence.

    One other tip I’d add –set an intention before your practise. The nature of intention influences the quality of the practise. Ask yourself what your intention is before every meditation. Some examples might include the intention to be present. To be at peace with what ever it is you’re feeling. To accept whatever arises – to embrace and really allow yourself to feel what it is you end up feeling. To remain open minded and curious about what certain emotions look and feel like. To be compassionate. To be grateful.

    Setting the intention of examining recurring thoughts with compassion, curiosity and acceptance. You can then bring that intention with you as you go about your day. Use it as an anchor to bring you back to present and to remind yourself of the qualities you want to engender.

    For me being present with feelings of anxiety – something I’ve struggled with for a long time – has proved extremely useful. To set the intention to be at peace with anxiety, to welcome those feelings into my heart and to remain curious and question, whenever they arise, what might have triggered them.

    4. Practising Informally Throughout The Day Is Most Effective

    “The sacred pause helps us reconnect with the present moment. Especially when we are caught up in striving and obsessing and leaning into the future, pausing enables us to reenter the mystery and vitality only found here and now.”

    – TARA BRACH (Radical acceptacne)

    Although I think it’s important to have a regular practise, this shouldn’t be the only time you take for yourself during the day. Meditation doesn’t always have to be scheduled. Sometimes you just need to spend a moment by yourself. Remember meditation is not meant to be about ticking a box like completing a workout or a task! It is a tool to help you as and when you really need it. ‘Meditation is gym for the mind’ and trust me, it needs to get its fat ass in the gym as often as possible!

    Taking a time out, particularly when feeling burnout or overwhelmed, is important! If you start to feel stress or other negative emotions/feelings building in your body don’t resist or react to them. Respond to them. It’s a message! The same way something hot causes you to move away – don’t think too much about it – simply accept and respond in a way you know will help with passage of that state. Go for a walk, get some exercise, take a break, play, laugh, talk to someone close, meditate or simply breathe… If you want some more ideas to help cultivate greater mindfulness throughout the day check out this post – 5 Mindfulness Hacks For Beginners.

    5. Meditation Is A Practice Of Compassion, Curiosity And Acceptance

    “Mindfulness means paying attention on purpose in the present moment, with qualities of compassion, curiosity and acceptance”

    – Shamash Alidina (MINDFULNESS FOR DUMMIES)

    Many people mistakenly think that mindfulness is simply about presence of mind, however that’s only one part of the puzzle. It’s equally important to bring qualities such as compassion and curiosity to the practise of being present. To ask deeper questions – especially of any recurring thoughts you have. By doing this I believe you can uncover insight and from insight genuine change can take place.

    It’s important to remember that a desire for change – although this might be why we take up the practise in the first place – is paradoxically a buffer to it. As Carl Rogers once said, “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” If acting from desire alone you won’t achieve the results your’e hoping for. You must start with complete acceptance of your condition as it is right now. That means not having a desire for it to change.

    Ultimately the aim is to accept the thoughts and feelings you are having and acknowledge them instead of trying to resist or fight those feelings. Mindfulness is an art in acceptance, which if you think deeply enough about it, is what life is – one giant lesson in acceptance. Acceptance of change and of flow – this is reality. Accepting reality for what it is right now because it can’t be any other way. This is at the heart of what I believe it means to be mindful.

    6. A Basic Understanding Of The Mind Helps To Let Go

    A basic understanding of the mind helps – to understand our mind is a tool we can use – it isn’t who we are – we are not are thoughts – the mind is simply a vessel that continuously delivers us thoughts based on everything that its been fed. That doesn’t mean your thoughts are accurate – it means the exact opposite.

    The vast majority of stuff we are fed and told, the concepts and constructs and expectations of society are largely bullshit – they are just ideas. Your mind is always going to project that stuff to some degree or another and that’s perfectly ok – you should understand and accept that!

    But! BUT BUT!!! You should not accept any thoughts as accurate – you should treat them and the beliefs you have with a HUGE amount of scepticism – remain open to the possibility that what you think and believe – that what most people think and believe – is largely bullshit! Because, and I’ve got news for you, it is.

    That doesn’t mean you should create an inner dialogue and have a fight with yourself about what you are thinking or currently believe – that only serves to strengthen the thought you are having anyway – what I’m getting at is because of this understanding and insight you should very quickly let go of the VAST majority of your thoughts. Let them pass. Your mind is simply generating ideas continuously – by letting them pass and not fixating on anyone of them – they lose their power of being able to define you! This also allows you to see those thoughts more clearly – for what they are. It’s from looking at them this way that we can gain greater insight that helps to shatter the illusions our clever minds love to make up.

    Closing Thoughts

    Mindfulness is very much process orientated rather than goal-oriented. It is a way of life, a long term process. It’s point is the journey itself – not the destination. The destination is decided for us anyway – death – which makes the point of being truly present, truly alive for the moment all the more poignant. Thats the whole point!

    Ultimately mindfulness is about realising you’re more than just your body, mind and heart. Meditation is something that happens to you. It is an act of non-doing or being. For it to properly work you have to trust in the process. Let go and relax with acceptance of what is right now. Have patience. Have faith. You are not trying to get anywhere with it. Quite the opposite. You are simply allowing things to be with a curious mind and an open heart.

    As always thank you so much reading – I hope you found some value in my random ramblings about mindfulness. As you know I welcome ALL thoughts and comments on this blog. I’m always keen to get your thoughts and opinions in the comment section below. Do you have any other insights from your practise of mindfulness – any idea or hacks you’d like to share? If so please don’t hesitate to leave a remark below. Wishing you all the very best, AP2 🙏