Tag: relationships

The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What On Earth Are You Thinking?

The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What On Earth Are You Thinking?

AP2

What On Earth Are You Thinking?

“A person’s success in life can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”

– Tim Ferris

What is External Self-Awareness?

Most people think about self-awareness the same way they do sex. They believe they’re great at it when, in reality, no-one knows where on God’s green earth the G spot is (or that there even is one).

One of the major components for building self-awareness is understanding what other people honestly think about us (including our ability to have sex). 

This is what’s known as external self-awareness. Researchers have concluded it’s every bit as important as internal self-awareness (how well we know ourselves). 

Here’s a pretty little table outlining the 4 major Self-Awareness Archetypes:

Why We Suck at Giving and Receiving (Feedback)

Now, the major issue we have with external self-awareness is ascertaining honest feedback from others. This is a major issue for two obvious reasons.

  1. First, people usually avoid telling us what they really think. In fact, most people fake certain feedback making us think we’re much better than we really are!
  2. Second, we avoid asking for feedback in the first place. We’d rather remain under the covers than be told about our own, um, shortcomings…

This a brutal truth to remember during your never-ending self-awareness journey: Not only do you not want to tell people the truth, you don’t want to know the truth yourself.

But of course, knowing the truth is the only way we can become slightly less terrible human beings. So, a crucial life skill at home, work, or in the bedroom is learning to both give and receive (feedback).

The question, as always, is how?

How to Both Give and Receive (Feedback)

The first thing to remember is that you’re a human aeroplane. One that is governed by all sorts of internal biases/faulty mechanisms. 

For example:

What I’m trying to say is we’re all a bunch of stupid apes who think way too highly of ourselves. You know what? 

That’s OK. 

The point of becoming aware of our flaws is to gain some control over them. But this doesn’t work if we don’t learn to accept those flaws at the same time.  

So, here are a few ideas.

1. Hold weak opinions.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. They also tend to stink up the room. 

It’s worth remembering you’re the only person who loves the smell of your farts. That’s not to say you shouldn’t. But when you do fart, don’t take it so seriously. 

THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS!

Thoughts are simply echoes of all the crap you’ve been fed. (Helpful tip: eat a wholesome diet of long-from content such as books or documentaries.) 

Here’s a thought to chew on? Are your opinions really your own? Think about that for a second.

2. Consider you’re wrong.

Something you can do before you open that smelly mouth of yours is tell yourself the following: “I might be wrong about this.” 

This immediately places you in a state of openness and curiosity. When you do this, your thoughts aren’t shared to be validated but discussed. This is a better position for everyone. 

Just ask your spouse! 

3. Laugh at yourself.

All your thoughts and behaviours are simply reactions to your emotions. As you should know by now, your feelings be crazy. You shouldn’t take them so seriously. 

Something you can do is openly mock yourself for all your shortcomings. This has the paradoxical effect of making you more endearing in the eyes of others.

4. Remember your strengths.

All of us have this thing called a negativity bias. It’s worth being aware of. This is why we tend to fixate on and obsess over all our flaws.

What we fail to realise is that our weaknesses are often intimately linked to our strengths. For example, I’m not the grittiest person in the world. I’m easily distracted. I frequently have my head stuck in the clouds.

But you know what? 

I’m also incredibly thoughtful, creative, silly, and funny. These qualities aren’t separate. By reminding myself of my strengths, and seeing how they’re related to my weakness, I’m more accepting of my flaws. 

I’m better able to work on them as a result.

5. Start with the positives.

Criticism hurts like your first time! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but most of us aren’t terribly receptive to it. 

The danger is we shut down. This is especially so if we receive feedback that confirms a negative view we already have about ourselves. 

That’s why it’s a wise strategy to start with the positives. Talk about what went well before you mention the negatives. 

You can think of it as feedback foreplay. It helps to soften everything up! 

6. Learn your patterns. 

Learn to recognise all the ways you’re a deeply flawed human being. 

Recognise how you’re not a morning person. Recognise how you’re quick to anger when you’re tired or when your children start to open their mouths. 

Learn to recognise what your triggers are. What sends you down the emotional rabbit hole? At what times? With who? What causes you to reach for the phone or the bottle? 

This will help you recognise which emotions you’re avoiding that need to be acknowledged and surrendered.

7. Practise with a trusted co-pilot.

Both my wife and I avoid confrontation. This is because we are both very agreeable by nature. This a big problem mainly because I’m a massive idiot. I need my wife to confront me. 

To ensure this happens we make a point of talking to each other every evening without fail. We have a series of questions we ask:

  • What are you grateful for today? What are you proud of? What went well? 
  • What didn’t go well? What could you do better?
  • What do you want me to know? What can I do better? 
  • Finally, what can we do better? How can we improve as a couple/parents? 

This is what I suggest you do as a final point. 

Find a trusted copilot you can confide in. Make a habit of talking to that trusted copilot every day. Make a habit of telling them something difficult – of being vulnerable. 

Make a point of asking for feedback and giving some advice in return. Put your phone away and really listen.

What you might find is, it ends in sex. There will be no need to fake anything.

Summary

  • One of the major components for building self-awareness is understanding what other people honestly think about us. This is what’s known as external self-awareness.
  • Most of us avoid giving people honest feedback. Most of us avoid asking for it too.
  • To help give and receive honest feedback it’s useful to: 
    • hold weak opinions/consider the possibility we’re wrong
    • remember our strengths when we receive feedback
    • start with the positives when we give feedback
    • practise asking for and giving feedback with someone we trust

This is part 4 of a series of posts on the topic of Self-Awareness:

Part 1: The Automation Paradox

Part 2: The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What on Earth Am I Doing?

Part 3: The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What on Earth Am I Feeling?

Part 4: The Three Areas of Self-Awareness: What On Earth Are You Thinking?

***

For a weekly collection of tips and tricks designed to help you navigate your fears and take command of life – join my Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

The Rain Tree

The Rain Tree

AP2

There’s a type of tree that’s planted all over Singapore. It’s known as the rain tree because of its iconic umbrella shape. 

Not only is it incredibly striking to look at, the sprawling canopy provides the perfect respite from the oppressive heat we experience here year-round.

It’s planted extensively throughout Singapore for this reason.

It has fast become one of my favourite trees. Not just because of the shade it provides or how beautiful it is to look at, but for the symbolic meaning it’s come to represent during this time of our lives.

Singapore herself has provided our family with the cover we’ve needed following our diversion from Hong Kong. Cover that has allowed us to reset and recalibrate.

Of course it’s not just Singapore, but many things. Our savings, for example, has given us the safety net we needed to take the risk we did.

Then there are our family and friends who have been nothing but supportive. Who have come to visit and help us move. Who have made us feel so welcome.

They, too, have acted as cover.

While we are incredibly fortunate to have the cover we do, it’s worth recognising that this canopy hasn’t grown overnight. It exists, in no small part, because of the time we have taken to nurture our roots over the years.

Of course, it’s our roots that we need to pay attention to. 

The mistake we make while looking up at the canopy above us – at the places we want to go and the things we want to achieve – is we forget to water the very ground we’re standing on. But, of course, that’s how we get there.

That’s how we really grow tall and flourish.

But nurturing our roots serves a much more important function than simply feeding us the fruits we want to eat. They also provide us with the stability we need when life’s inevitable storms hit home.

It’s our roots that prevent us from getting swept away.

It’s my wife – more than anyone or anything else – that has provided that stability for me following my own diversion from aviation.

Without her taking over the mantle of breadwinner, I wouldn’t be able to take the time to do what I am. To nurture my health and well-being – to regain the lift I need to climb skyward again.

Towards a new and exciting destination.

Let me say, to my wife – who I know will read this – just how much I love and adore you, just how grateful I am for everything you are and do. For your incredible patience and understanding – for your loving, kind-hearted nature.

You’re not just the best life partner to me, but the best mother to our two ridiculous boys. We are truly blessed to have you. 

I want to wish you a very happy Mother’s Day this Sunday.

Let me finish by extending that gratitude to all mothers everywhere (including – especially – my own extraordinary mother). Thank you for providing us with the cover we need to weather life’s storms. 

For helping us come out of them even stronger.

For a collection of meditations designed to help you navigate your fears and take command of life – join my weekly Stuck in the Clouds newsletter here. 

The Joy of Running Around Naked

The Joy of Running Around Naked

AP2

So my kids have started doing this thing. Every evening before bath time – after we take their clothes off before they get into the tub – they run around the apartment like crazed feral wild cats. Screaming and laughing. 

Pure unadulterated joy.

It got me thinking about the clothes we wear, metaphorically speaking. 

A kid doesn’t question why we walk around with clothes on (when you live in Singapore, there’s a good argument not to). They simply follow the herd to blend it. Because that’s the safest bet.

It’s for the same reason they imitate our actions. As much as I tell them not to act like the giant ass hat I am, they do anyway.

As adults, we’re no different with the character armour we assume. The social conditioning we’ve all undergone to varying cultural degrees. There’s a code of conduct we must follow.

For women, that’s typically something along the lines of never speak up. Always look pretty. Be perfect. Don’t over step your mark. 

For men it’s something like don’t cry. Man the fuck up. Never ask for help. Figuring it out on your own or drown trying.

Of course, it’s all bullshit. 

It’s all clothes we’re told to wear so we don’t make each other feel uncomfortable. Because who wants to deal with someone else’s vulnerabilities? I’m having enough trouble preventing people from seeing my own.

Thank you very much.

I wonder, though, what are we so afraid of? Of upsetting someone else? Why? That’s their problem, not yours.

But that’s not it. 

What we’re really scared of is being vulnerable – of feeling exposed. We want nothing more than to be seen, heard, and accepted for who we are.

What we fear most is rejection.

We’re scared of being laughed at and ridiculed. We’re afraid of having our hearts stamped on.

But what happens if we say fuck this? If, despite our fears, we remove our clothes and let who we are all hang out, warts and all?

We may get laughed at and ridiculed. If you are, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. 

It might mean you need new friends!

At any rate, it’s a risk we have to be willing to take. If only to find out who are friends and family really are.

The truth is the character armour we can carry around is far heavier than the clothes we wear on our backs. We can only carry it for so long before it weighs us down.

That’s why we need to be around the people who will let us take it off – who will accept us when we do. (Even if they can’t help but laugh sometimes.) 

The reward of course is the feeling of aliveness. The feeling of running free. The feeling of pure unadulterated joy.

You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

A Singapore Fling

AP2

It occurs to me that I’ve gone through something of a divorce over the past year or so. Only, it’s not been to a person but a place.

Of course, there have been others. York for one. We had a few difficult years together. Then there was Oxford where I went to university. That was a nonstop party.

And I’ve certainly sowed my wild oats. I’ve traveled the world and experienced more cities I can count.

But, ultimately, Hong Kong was the girl I always came back to. There is no city in the world I know more intimately. We’ve been in a long term relationship – on and off – since I was 6 years old.

This has made the changes she’s undergone over the past few years especially painful. After we got married and had kids together everything changed. 

She became controlling. She tried to stop me from having an opinion. She even tried to stop me from seeing other people! 

In the end it was too much. I decided she wasn’t the right lady to spend the rest of my life with. So, as painful as it was, I filed for divorce.

But what are you supposed to do after such a long relationship? How are you supposed to cope? Should you jump in bed with the next city you find? Should you return to a former lover? Or, should you take some time to have a bit of fun and clear your mind?

I’ve really enjoyed my short time in Singapore so far. I think part of the reason is because I’ve come in with few expectations. Because I’ve taken a no-strings-attached approach. 

First impression are good. I’ve very much enjoyed exploring her green leafy back streets in my spare time. 

This is, incidentally, one of my favourite pastimes. Usually, before a layover, I would do an inordinate amount of research into places I want to eat. 

I would star many of these obscure eateries (often in the middle of nowhere) on google maps. Then I would create a kind of walking foodie tour by connecting the dots.

I would walk far and I would eat well.

It’s something I’ve sorely missed during the past few years of endless quarantine. So, to make up for lost time, that’s what I’ve been doing since I arrived in Singapore. 

I’m ecstatic to report that she’s an exceptional chef. 

Honestly, the relationship wouldn’t last long if she wasn’t. When it comes to cities, the best way to my heart is through my stomach!

Still, nowhere is perfect and Singapore is no exception. Her parents – namely the government – are known to be particularly heavy handed when punishing certain offenders. That may well be a flag longer term. 

With that said, the people here feel looked after for the most part. They have access to cheap affordable housing, excellent medical care and world class education.

Of course, they rinse the expats to make that possible. She ain’t a cheap lady to please! The cost of a beer is enough to make any man cry themselves to sleep. Mainly because he can’t afford to have a beer.

But back to the positive. She’s feels far more relaxed – far more family friendly – in comparison to Hong Kong. That’s certainly something I’m looking for at this stage of my life.

Although it occurs to me that maybe Singapore feels more relaxed because I am? Now that I’ve settled down, not that I’m together with my family again – after a very busy, stressful divorce.

Perhaps I’m simply projecting my feelings onto the place? 

At any rate, I don’t care. I’m enjoying myself. The last thing I want to think about is whether or not I will (or should) be here in 5 to 10 years time. We can save that particular conversation for a later date.

For now, I just want sit back, relax and enjoy this fine Singapore fling.

I’ll finish by asking you one of my all time favourite questions: what is your favourite city in the world and why? 

***

You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://wiseandshinezine.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

Agreeableness: The Sacrifice of Self

Agreeableness: The Sacrifice of Self

AP2

Agreeableness breaks down into Compassion and Politeness. 

Compassionate people are the caring, loving types. They are sympathetic towards other people’s feelings and take an active interest in their friends and families lives. 

Polite people are very careful with their words. They have a deep respect for authority and hate to seem pushy or impose their will on others. 

On the surface agreeableness appears to be largely good, but we need to be alert to the costs that exist at any end of any personality trait spectrum. 

In this case the word costs can be taken literally. There’s a reason why assholes make more money…

Let’s start by talking about what drives agreeableness, before examining those costs and why it is you might want to practise being less agreeable. 

The Maternal Link

One of the biggest differences between men and women among the Big Five personality traits is in agreeableness. Women are a fair bit higher, on average, than men.

For fear of being lynched by the social constructionists, my feeling is biology is the overwhelming factor here.

Pregnancy has, especially historically, placed women in a far more vulnerable position. Even after childbirth, an infant didn’t have access to things like formula. The baby was firmly tied to the mother.

If you hadn’t noticed, infants are quite disagreeable little bastards. What’s particularly annoying is they have every right to be. They are completely and hopelessly dependant.

As a parent you must sacrifice yourself completely.

In the modern age the man can take on that role more and more, but as a tribal hunter-gatherer there really was only one woman for the job. 

But someone had to be the one to go and hunt for dinner. Someone had to to go out and negotiate on behalf of the tribe. 

Disposable Men

I believe these self-evident biological underpinnings manifest themselves in perhaps the biggest difference personality psychologists have found between men and women. The interest in things versus people. 

Male dominated industries include engineering and aviation. Female dominated industries (of which there are many) include teaching, nursing and childcare. 

Now, none of this is to say that social conditioning has nothing to do with the difference, but to deny the role of biology seems to me to be at the other end of ideological extreme. 

It’s worth noting that sex differences in personality have been shown to be larger in more gender equal countries.

Still, it would be remiss not to point that there is far more commonality – far more overlap – between men’s and women’s personalities than differences. I have quite an effeminate set of personality traits, on paper at least. That’s not uncommon. 

If you picked a man and woman off the street at random 4 times out of 10 the women would less agreeable than the man. That’s not insignificant either. 

But these slight trends play out prominently at the extreme ends of the spectrum. 

The vast majority of extremely disagreeable people are men. Extremely low agreeableness is a high predictor of incarceration. There are 15 times as many men in prison as women. 

We tend to look up at those who hold all the power and wealth, of course, but men also dominate the lowest positions in society. 

Disagreeableness cuts both ways.

One theory for this – called the greater male variability hypothesis – argues men are more disposable as they are less likely to reproduce successfully. 

This theory also makes sense when you consider why women are more neurotic on average. Sensitivity to negative emotion is what keeps you alive, even if it does kill your quality of life.

And that’s what an infant needs from its mother most of all: to survive.

The Sacrifice of Self

Placing the gender debate aside, collectively we are much more agreeable than our ancestors among the primates. One assumes that as we evolved we realised there was far more to be gained from sacrificing on behalf of the tribe.

Of course, the more agreeable you are the more friends you’re likely to have, the more likely those friends will repay your kindness in turn. 

In this sense compassion can be thought of as a negotiating strategy. I’ll share my spoils today so that you’ll share yours tomorrow. That way none of us have to go hungry.

The benefits here are obvious. 

So a far more interesting question is to ask whether you can be too compassionate or too polite? Often it depends towards whom that compassion/politeness is directed, but the answer is most definatey yes!

One pathology associated with high agreeableness is dependant personality disorder – when someone develops a child-like dependance on authority figures because their unable to establish any autonomy of their own. 

In any relationship you want a partner who is similar in temperament when it comes to agreeableness, otherwise it may be a very one-sided affair. 

However, two highly agreeable people need to watch out! If you avoid conflict at all costs, you end up stewing in your own resentment. It builds over time. 

Ultimately a relationship without conflict is doomed. 

Then there’s the tricky issue of determining how much you should sacrifice for your kids. At some point the bird has to leave the nest. The only way a kid can learn to fly is by going solo. 

If you over-coddle them, or over-structure their lives, they may fail to develop the necessary autonomy to stand on their own two feet. 

This is a story that’s as old as time. Like the child who fights his or her nature to please the parents.

To some extent this is a struggle we all have. Our need to meet the approval of others at the expense of our own identity. 

A Competitive Edge

Disagreeableness correlates strongly with competitiveness.

One way to foster mediocracy among kids is to hand out participation medals at sporting events so no-one has to feel bad.

It defeats the point. So you ask, what’s the point of competition? Well, to get what’s best. Fundamentally, we compete so that we can eat. (When you consider that most games involve hitting some kind of target, it’s quite possible that sport derived from hunting. )

But competition works in reverse. It gets the best (and worst) out of us. But it’s a bit more complicated than that. 

Competition does drive better results but so does working as a team. So, you might conclude, the very best results come from competing as groups. 

This is why I believe sports is so important, especially for children/adolescents. It teaches you to both work as a team and how to negotiate on your group’s behalf. 

If it’s in your nature to sacrifice yourself for others, finding a cause or a group that you’re willing to stand and fight for is a good way to teach you to be more disagreeable.

There’s always a way to stack the personality cards in your favour. 

The other thing sport teaches you is how to lose, how to “take it on the chin.” We undermine that process by doing things like handing out participation medals. But we also undermine that process by instilling a cutthroat win-at-all-costs mentality. 

The most important thing isn’t winning, it’s being allowed to compete again next time. In the game of life that’s what gives you the best chance of success.

The Dark Knight

Let’s finish this post by talking about those who don’t play fair. The so-called assholes who end up ruling the world. Many of them are, of course, but to lie the blame squarely at their feet is to miss the lesson. 

One of the main reasons disagreeable people make more money is because they don’t take things so personally. Of course they might not have many friends, but who cares when you live on a luxury yacht!

Jokes aside, just because someone isn’t personable doesn’t mean they’re bad. And just because someone is nice doesn’t mean they’re good. 

Perhaps it’s us agreeable types that need to develop a bit more backbone?

If you ask me, the world’s isn’t short of nice people. We don’t need more fake niceness in the world. What need are more good people willing to act like assholes. 

What I mean by that is a willingness to upset/be disliked by other people. (Not actually be an asshole.)

The reason we avoid that difficult conversation is because we fear upsetting the other person. That’s what we tell ourselves, at least.

But the brutal and honest truth is – the real reason we don’t want to make other people feel bad – is because that would make us feel bad.

Yet, by avoiding that difficult conversation we become less resilient. We all feel worse (and are worse off) in the long run. 

And none of us are awake.

As a society it seems we’ve forgotten that being offended is actually a choice. It’s not one that should be taken lightly. 

Sticks and stones remember? 

Being offended has little to do with the horrible things someone else has said, but what you believe. It has to do with the expectations you’ve placed on others.

I’ll finish with this thought.

I once heard the remark that success can be measured by the number of difficult conversations one has had. In an increasingly polarised world I believe the success or failure of democracy will be measured by the same yard stick. 

The way to fight the forces of evil – both within and out – is through understanding. To do that we must be willing to have the difficult conversations.

Ultimately this is what the freedom of speech was designed to both protect and promote. It’s the one thing we should all agree on. 

The complete freedom to disagree. 

This is part of a series of posts on the Big Five Personality Traits. Please find previous post below:

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You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://pointlessoverthinking.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

Or on Twitter at: @AnxiousPilot or @PointlessOverT

You can also email him directly at: anxiouspilot2@gmail.com

3-2-1 Flying Fridays

3-2-1 Flying Fridays

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to 3-2-1 Flying Fridays! The only weekly post that takes an extended break without telling anyone… (I missed you all too!)

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 something special (maybe). 

As a bonus I’ve finished with one joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!

3 x Thoughts:

1) If you think of a task in its entirety it can often feel overwhelming. Like staring up at a dragon. If that’s the case, don’t tell yourself you have to take down the whole dragon today. Just see if you can take a step closer to the cave that it’s residing in. Simply sharpen your sword. Get your armour ready. Whatever it is – reduce your ambition till you find the task you are willing to do and then move towards it.

2) A low energy life is a dangerous one. To live optimally you need look after your energy levels. You need to match the amount you’re carrying to the amount of drive you have available depending on the time or day. That might mean letting something go, which can be hard. But if you don’t – if you carry too much weight – you run the risk of stalling. This makes things much harder.

3) Often the reason we don’t gain energy from/motivation for an activity is to do with our relationship towards it, not the activity itself.

2 x Quotes:

“Show me a man who isn’t a slave; one who is a slave to sex, another to money, another to ambition; all are slaves to hope or fear.”

— Seneca

“Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakes.”

— Carl Jung 

1 x Thing:

This Psyche article: How to take things less personally by Joel Minden. I particuarly liked the advice about distinguishing thoughts from feelings. Quote:

“A good way to distinguish feelings from thoughts is to remember that feelings can often be summarised in one word – nervous, happy, surprised, scared – and thoughts are the ideas that drive or follow the feelings… practise labelling them whenever you have the opportunity. For example, if during a dinner, your guest suddenly got quiet and you thought: ‘He doesn’t like talking with me,’ acknowledge that you’re working with a thought that may or may not be true, and then consider the feeling that came with that thought. An example of a more accurate way to describe what happened is: ‘When he got silent during dinner, I felt sad because I thought he didn’t like talking with me.’ Remember that feelings are not debatable – you just feel how you feel, even when you wish you didn’t. Your thoughts, on the other hand, can be challenged, revised or replaced with more realistic and useful ones.“

1 x Joke:

We took our kids to beach yesterday.

I turned to my eldest and said, “How does the sea say hi to the beach?”

…

“It waves, of course!”

PREVIOUS NEWSLETTER:

3-2-1 Flying Fridays – 25/03/22

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You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://pointlessoverthinking.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

Or on Twitter at: @anxiouspilot

3-2-1 Flying Fridays

3-2-1 Flying Fridays

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to 3-2-1 Flying Fridays! The only weekly post that believes embracing uncertainty is the only sure way to live…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 something special (maybe). 

As a bonus I’ve finished with one joke that’s so bad, it’s good!

Let’s begin!

3 x Thoughts:

1) A relationship without conflict is doomed. We must challenge each other if we want to grow together. We need a person who will contend with us, not someone who will only worship us. We need someone who is courageous enough to tell us the truth, even if it hurts.

2) If you want to conquer fear you have to define it in pain-staking detail first. You have to hold it up in the light and examine it to see it for what it really is:

  • False.
  • Evidence.
  • Appearing. 
  • Real.

3) Change is the only certainty in life. To cling to what you know only provides you with a false sense of security. To embrace change – to embrace the unknown – is to embrace life itself. 

2 x Quotes:

“Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: “Is this the condition that I feared?””

— Seneca

“What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.” 

— Tim Ferris.

1 x Thing:

This Tim Ferris article: Fear-Setting: The Most Valuable Exercise I Do Every Month. I highly suggest giving the article a read – especially if you’re currently challenged with making a major life decision. The article goes into greater detail but, in a nut shell, this is what you do:

  1. Write down the major life change you’re considering. 
  2. Define the worst case scenario in pain staking detail. 
  3. Ask yourself what steps could you take to repair the damage/deal with worst. 
  4. Ask yourself what the outcomes/benefits of a more probable scenario are. 
  5. Ask yourself what the cost will be if you do nothing? What is the cost of inaction? 
  6. Finally, ask yourself what you’re so afraid of? 

1 x Joke:

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

PREVIOUS NEWSLETTER:

3-2-1 Flying Fridays – 11/03/22

***

You can find more of AP2’s writing here at: https://pointlessoverthinking.com

You can also find him on Medium at: https://anxiouspilot2.medium.com

Or on Twitter at: @AnxiousPilot

Kissed For The Very First Time

Kissed For The Very First Time

AP2

Ten years ago today, on April 8th, 2011, I met my wife for the first time at a dive bar in Hong Kong called Al’s diner. We immediately hit it off. The evening ended with us dancing to a number of 80’s classics. 

Despite several jello shots it took me a while to work up the courage to kiss her. I knew she was special and wanted to make sure I picked the right moment. The cheesy 80’s playlist, however, didn’t exactly set the mood.

At a certain point I told myself whatever song comes up it doesn’t matter, it’s now or never. And so, as one forgettable tune ended, with my heart in my throat, I met her eyes, leaned in and kissed her. 

Just as soon as we locked lips, Madonna’s, “Like A Virgin,” came blaring from the jukebox. 

“Like a virgin 
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats 
Next to mine
Whoa…”

A moment of classy romance it was not! It certainly wasn’t the song I would have chosen. Still, I had to commend the Gods on their sense of humour. We both had a good laugh about it.

Ultimately, of course, the song didn’t matter. What really mattered was the ten years that followed.Those years have been extraordinary to say the least.

Together we’ve flown in hot air balloons, jumped out of aeroplanes, swam with whale sharks – to list just a few of our adventures. It was on a layover in Rome I realised I loved her as we cuddled while watching the sunset from the Spanish steps. (There are few moments I can think as perfect as that one.) It was on holiday in Myanmar that I proposed to her on the shores of Inle lake.

It was 4 years ago – exactly 6 years after we met – on April 8th, 2017, that we got married at a micro brewery here in Hong Kong. We figured, “Why bring the booze to the party when you can bring the party to the booze?”

It was epic.

The song we chose for our first dance? You guessed it. Definitely not Madonna’s, “Like A Virgin.” (We have some class guys and gals, come on.)

Actually our friends orchestrated a surprise flash mob to Justin Timberlake’s, “Can’t Stop The Feeling.” It was one of the many highlights that day. That song became our first as a married couple.

Fast forward 4 more years and here we are with two ridiculous boys to our names. The youngest having just turned 3 months. (Can you do the math?)

April 8th will always be the most important day of the year for me. Symbolically it represents everything that followed when we kissed for the very first time 10 years ago. The truly beautiful life that we have made together.

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I missed my opportunity that night. If I’d not made a move because of the song that was playing. (There’s a lesson here about waiting for the perfect moment.)

I look around and imagine my boys vanishing. The apartment I live in transforming. Perhaps I wouldn’t have stayed in my current job for as long as I have? Maybe I wouldn’t live in Hong Kong? Perhaps the picture would be markedly different? Or perhaps the picture would be similar but with different faces?

One things for damn sure, the picture couldn’t be any better.

As I come back to reality and realise that none of it was a dream. That my reality – my unbelievably beautiful radiant wife, the now extraordinary mother to our two gorgeous silly boys – is the dream. I realise I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t even change that song.

To my dear wife, when it comes to you, I regret nothing. (Although I’m not giving you anymore children.)

Happy Anniversary Gorgeous

With All My Love

Your Very Silly Husband X

3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to Mindset Mondays! The only weekly post that didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with his wife…

Following a 3-2-1 approach, it contains 3 thoughts from me (that you should ignore), 2 quotes from others (that you should read), and 1 thing I’ve been reading, watching or listening to this week that has helped me grow.

As a bonus I’ve finished with 1 joke that’s so bad, it’s good.

Let’s begin!

(As a way to give credit and to say thank you, I’ve linked back to any posts that have inspired my thoughts. I’ve linked back to any quotes I’ve found as well.)

3 x Thoughts:

1) You know “the one” that everybody keeps searching for? I’m sorry to break it to you, doesn’t exist. Disney fucked us with their love stories that end “happily ever after.” While we’re at it, you don’t simply fall in love and then life is complete. This is a fantasy of the highest order. Relationships require a huge amount of sacrifice. They require constant nurturing. They require honest and open communication. It’s a process that never ends. One that requires so much more than love alone. If your expectation going into a new relationship is that the other person will “complete you,” you are setting yourself up for bitter disappointment. Your expectations are out of whack. I would add that if you feel you need someone else, that you spend your time learning to love yourself before you start searching for your knight in shining armour. That way you won’t need them to be your knight in shining armour. That way you’ll have realistic expectations going into your next relationship and the strength to deal with it should it fall apart.

2) Is it better to have loved and lost or never loved at all? I think better than both of those is to have loved and lost and then found love again. That way you’ve grown – you’ve learnt what heartbreak is and that you can withstand it. Furthermore you’ve learnt what your new love requires – constant nurturing. If pushed to choose however, I would take loved and lost. Ignorance might be bliss but to have loved and lost and survived is what makes you stronger. That’s more important. If you’re suffering from heartbreak keep that in mind. The other side of your suffering is a stronger person. 

3) Comparing ourselves with others is the first step to giving up. There will always be someone more talented, more accomplished, more proficient… It’s good to look at how you can improve and of course it’s helpful to look at how the most successful are doing things. But we should be careful not to compare. Why? Because when you compare yourself to others you reject who you are. I suggest you think in terms of drawing inspiration instead. And then simply concentrate on becoming a little better than the person you were yesterday. In fact, only compare yourself with the person you were yesterday. That’s enough. (Inspired by: https://mentalhealthathome.org/2021/01/10/impressed-other-bloggers/)

2 x Quotes:

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”

― Martin Luther King Jr

“If we can forgive what’s been done to us… If we can forgive what we’ve done to others… If we can leave our stories behind. Our being victims and villains. Only then can we maybe rescue the world.”

— Chuck Palahniuk

1 x Thing:

1) This Mark Manson article: Love Is Not Enough. This article challenges the belief that “love is all you need.” To quote, “When we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.” Well worth the 10 minute read! A few of my favourite quotes below.

“The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.”

“Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy. But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.”

1 x Joke:

Struggling for a good joke this week so thought I’d leave you with another far side comic. Hope you enjoy!

Thanks ladies and gentlemen. I’m here all week! I sincerely hope you all had a romantic weekend with your loved ones. As always I welcome ALL thoughts and opinions on this blog. Please let us know below.

One bonus question to finish:

What would you say to your partner if it was your last day on earth? (Now go ahead and say it.)

PREVIOUS MONDAY POST:

Mindset Mondays – 08/02/21

4-3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

4-3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my Mindset Mondays Post! The only weekly newsletter that delivers your vaccine just in time for Christmas…

Following a 4-3-2-1 approach, it contains 4 thoughts from me (that you should probably ignore), 3 quotes from others (that you should definitely read), and 2 things I’ve been reading, watching or listening to this week that have helped me grow.

As always, I’ve finished with 1 terrible joke that’s so bad, you won’t be able to help but laugh…

Let’s begin!

4 x Thoughts From Me:

If you want to go up, you have to overcome gravity. 

Life is just like a box of chocolates. Except that some of those chocolates are actually pieces of poo. The problem is, because you don’t know which is which, if you want to enjoy the chocolates you’ve got to eat some poo as well. So yes, in that sense, life is just like a box of chocolates… and poo. 

Original thought is often going ‘what if…’ and then thinking the exact opposite of what everybody else is. 

The art of conversation is not about trying to convince the other person you’re right, it’s about trying to make the other person feel heard. When someone feels heard they soften their stance. This is how you begin to change minds and strengthen hearts. This is how you bring people closer together. To do that we need to forget about being right and instead, listen deeply. There is always something else going on beyond the words that are spoken. 

3 x Quotes From Others:

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey

“The largest part of what we call ‘personality’ is determined by how we’ve opted to defend ourselves against anxiety and sadness.” — Alain de Botton

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein (Source: https://myrandomspecificthoughts.wordpress.com/2020/11/22/critical-thinking/)

2 x Things That Helped Me Grow

1 – This engaging Tim Ferris podcast episode with Dan Harris on Becoming 10% Happier, Hugging Inner Dragons, Self-Help for Skeptics, Training the Mind, and Much More. For those who don’t know the name, Dan Harris is the author of 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works. The book that chronicles his journey as “a lifelong nonbeliever who always assumed meditation was either impossible or useless” into a lifetime practitioner. Notes form the pod below:

“Seeing clearly the cacophony of your own inner landscape is how you are no longer owned by it.”

— Dan Harris
  • ON MOTTOS OR MANTRAS: It’s easy to read a great book or inspiring podcast and feel envigorated – like you’re experiencing or waking up to a profound truth but the old habits of the mind are very quick to reassert themselves. We need to find ways to continuously wake up. And remember our aspirations. 
  • A little bit of worrying is good. A lot is bad. After you’ve run through the worst case scenario for the 17th time ask yourself one simple question – Is this useful?
  • MEDITATION ADVICE: 1 minute counts (Habit formation matters most). Daily ish (so you don’t completely fall off the wagon when you inevitably miss a day – be kind to yourself). 
  • Type A people. We go into something expecting to win or achieve. The problem is expectations are the most noxious thing you can bring to meditation. The goal is not to expect feeling a certain way. The goal should simply be to feel whatever comes up to the fullest extent possible. Visibility- the close to is what you want.
  • Analogies: The difference between being in the storm versus watching through the window from inside your home. In the movie versus watching it on screen. 
  • The goal is not to clear your mind but to focus it. Getting distracted does not mean you’re a failed meditator. In fact when you notice you’ve been distracted – even for a nanosecond that is meditation. Awareness of thought. 
  • Once you see the chaos of your mind that’s the first step not to be owned by it. 
  • Hug your dragons don’t slay them. The negative storylines served you once upon a time. Maybe in a very crucial way as defence against trauma. Instead of trying to slay them – which only makes them stronger – you should love them instead. Embrace your demons. This will allow them to clam down in your mind and give you the space to make smarter decision and allow for other more mature storylines that’s serve you better to start to flourish. 
  • Having good relationships is so important- making sure that we do. We need the tribe. It’s part of our evolution. Be deliberate about keeping your relationships up.

2 – This Ted Talk with Leon Berg: The Power of Listening – An Ancient Practice for Our Future. In this inspiring talk Leon Berg discusses the power listening and council to help develop heart thinking and deepen relationships.

“There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is a natural function. Listening requires attention and focus.

“Council is the practise of listening and speaking from the heart – derived from the ancient tradition of storytelling. Research shows our brains are biochemically wired for stories. Storytelling is something we should practise. It helps us move from head thinking to heart thinking.

“Listening has survival value. Devote listening is what helps develop empathy.”

– Leon Berg

1 x Silly Thing To Make You Smile:

So my wife is now 36 weeks pregnant! I believe this comic goes some way of explaining just how prepared I feel…

Thanks ladies and gentlemen. I’m here all week! Till next time… Have a Happy Monday Everybody!

P.S. Don’t forget to exercise your silly muscle this week!

One bonus question for you all:

How can you become a better listener?

(Thank you all so much for reading. If you have any suggestions, thoughts or ideas about today’s weekly post I’d love to hear from you in the comments at the bottom.)

PREVIOUS MONDAY POST:

Mindset Mondays – 30/11/20

4-3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

4-3-2-1 Mindset Mondays

AP2

Hello lovely readers and welcome back to my Mindset Mondays Post! The only weekly newsletter that claims election fraud to save face…

Following a 4-3-2-1 approach, it contains 4 thoughts from me (that you should probably ignore), 3 quotes from others (that you should definitely read), and 2 things I’ve been reading, watching or listening to this week that have helped me grow.

As always, I’ve finished with 1 terrible joke that’s so bad, you won’t be able to help but laugh…

Let’s begin!

4 x Thoughts From Me:

Emotion is a writer’s best friend. 

You’ve all heard the saying that what you resist you give strength. Sage advice. What I would add though is what you resist you give strength – unless you seek to destroy it altogether. When people seek to destroy what they dislike we enter a very dangerous situation. I’ll use emotions as a perfect example. If you resist emotions you dislike you give them strength. What meditation and therapy seek to do, among other things, is accept them for what they are at any one time. This isn’t easy but it’s undeniably the right approach. The other way to deal with them is destroy them. Numb through the use of drugs or other addictions. This will end up hurting you much more. 

Success isn’t achieving something. Success is enjoying achieving something. Win or lose. Success is about enjoyment. Not money. Not titles. Not prestige. Not being right. Not fame. It’s enjoyment. It’s loving what you’re doing. If you truly do, the other stuff won’t matter. 

Perhaps the biggest mental block people have is acceptance. They can’t accept who they are right now. They can’t accept that they suffer from depression or anxiety. They cant accept they are flawed. People will argue it’s this that pushes them forward. That this is what drives them to become better. That it’s important we don’t accept ourselves as we are right now. I couldn’t disagree more. When you accept yourself for who you are right now you are still aware that you can become something more. That you can be better. You still understand the benefits of becoming. The difference is you don’t attribute a threat level survival response to your actions. You don’t feel you have to do anything (because you don’t have to do anything). You do it simply because you want to. Because you want to become better. Because you want to help others. You end up enjoying the process without any worry of failure because you’re coming from a place of acceptance. This is a far healthier place from which to act. 

3 x Quotes From Others:

“A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity.” – Dinkar Kalotra (Source: https://mindfulnessbits.wordpress.com/2020/11/09/its-your-job-to-make-me-happy/)

“You’re not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can’t face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it.” – Malcolm X (Source: https://www.forbes.com/quotes/6438/)

“We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs … and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.” –  Audre Lorde (Source: https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/refer?rh_ref=36174ee4)

2 x Things That Helped Me Grow

1 – This inspiring Ted Talk How we can face the future without fear, together with Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks. ‘It’s a fateful moment in history. We’ve seen divisive elections, divided societies and the growth of extremism — all fueled by anxiety and uncertainty. “Is there something we can do, each of us, to be able to face the future without fear?” asks Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks. In this electrifying talk, the spiritual leader gives us three specific ways we can move from the politics of “me” to the politics of “all of us, together.’ I highly recommend taking the 10 mins or so to give this speech a watch. I guarantee it will move you. You can find my favourite quote from the speech below.

“When we move from the politics of me to the politics of all of us together, we rediscover those beautiful, counterintuitive truths: that a nation is strong when it cares for the weak, that it becomes rich when it cares for the poor, it becomes invulnerable when it cares about the vulnerable. That is what makes great nations.”

2 – This fascinating BBC article: Lockdown has affected your memory – here’s why. The article explains the science behind why living in isolation may be harming our memories and what you can do about it. Well worth the quick read.

1 x Silly Thing To Make You Smile:

Struggling for a good (terrible) joke this week folks so thought I’d leave you with another Far Side comic that made me chuckle. Hope you enjoy.

Thanks ladies and gentlemen. Till next time… Have a Happy Monday Everybody!

P.S. Don’t forget to exercise you silly muscle this week! 

One bonus question for you all: What is worrying you and what can you do it about? What can’t you do about it?

(Thank you all so much for reading. If you have any suggestions, thoughts or ideas about today’s weekly post I’d love to hear from you in the comments at the bottom.)

PREVIOUS MONDAY POST:

4-3-2-1 Mindset Mondays – 09/11/20